opinion

Get Off My Lawn, You Handjobs!

Gram Ponante
It is a bold move for Defiance Films to release a teen handjobs title. Those goddamn teens can't even keep my hedges uncluttered with their clove cigarettes or my car washed - how can I expect them to jerk me off? Seriously. All those teens do is talk on the phone and leave the cap off the Sunny DeLite. Can one really depend on them to coax a load from my discriminating Gram Hammer?

Defiance, based in Calabasas (Spanish for pumpkins - how have I had this website for seven months and not had the opportunity to say this? It is a puzzlement), is betting big on Taylor Rain and her various handjob antics with other "teen"s.

"With teens and handjobs, we have a built-in audience," Defiance's Keith O'Connor told me. "We've got a bunch of pre-orders for these titles."

I don't know...the last time one of those teens gave me money in a liquor store parking lot to buy her some Peppermint Schnapps, I was, like, totally embarrassed when I got to the counter and discovered it was all Canadian coins and stuff. Law-abiding Defiance Films, in association with MADD, says: You should have asked for the handjob instead.

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