opinion

Gram Remembers Porn Valley

Gram Ponante
My family's estate on Corfu offers welcome respite from the rigors of the porn world and my awesome responsibilities therein. Still, as far as I venture from Porn Valley, there remains a turgid, throbbing nub of memory that keeps the sights, sounds, and smells of my stomping ground close to me.

Here, then, are the things that I remember when distance, checks that clear, a lack of post-coital itching, and people not related to someone named Zev threaten to cloud my memory:

1. Jeff Mullen - AllMediaPlay's ringleader writes several times a day and will often drop by Gram Ponante Towers with a portable red carpet and a portable Tory Lane, whose boobs he will jiggle so she doesn't have to. Then, in my Sex Z Pictures Hooptie with the Britney Rears rims, we all drive off to the trendy Hollywood eateries where all his press releases live.

2. Cytherea - When my friends at NASA hit me up for some Space Shuttle telemetry consultation, I tell them to look no farther than the Squirtwoman series of films. "Fans around the world will go Throttle Up when they see the Launchpad 39A that is Cytherea's Kegel muscles," I chuckle from a trendy Hollywood eatery.

3. Digital Playground's Contract Superstars - whether having pillowfights on my lawn, attending Bradley classes, or eating little chocolates from my outstretched palm, these American Heroes spend their spare time in Indian call centers supporting Windows NT 3.51 and deciding whether or not to do anal.

4. Steve Banan  - I don't know why this industry leader thinks I insulted his wife, MILF activist Nicole Moore, but I have nothing but respect for this putative founder of Plato's Retreat, Prog-rock pioneer, and casino magnate. If only I could be his publicist.

5. Porn's Office Support Personnel - these unsung accountants, receptionists, and Human Resources staff, often the same relative, provide a valuable reminder that somewhere the world is even more joyless, and that we should never brag about blowjobs to them.

6. Black Sabbath - a recent Harris Poll indicated that 62 percent of Porn Valley's employees owned one or several of the following: Master of Reality, Black Sabbath, Sabbath Bloody Sabbath, We Sold Our Souls for Rock 'n' Roll, or Paranoid. That's good enough for me.

7. Porn Star Karaoke - There's a little place behind Sardo's where native California freeway grasses lead gently up to the 134. It is there that I do coke with hookers.

8. Delightful new niches - my current favorite is Fatty Girl Interracial Nostrilingus.

9. Roy Karch - this guy is a national treasure. Women's clothes leap from their bodies when he passes by. It is like Black Sabbath said:

Misty morning
Clouds in the sky
Without warning
The Wizard walks by
Casting his shadow
Weaving his spell
Sunday clothes
Tinkling bell

10. Women I have pictures of whom I can't identify - that is really what is making my 30s special.

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