opinion

Porn Star Sabbath

Gram Ponante
It is important for people to remember that Ozzy Osbourne once kicked ass ere he became a shuffling, brain-damaged husk. It took a simple porn star to remind us.

It was Exotic Entertainment Night at Porn Star Karaoke. I don't know who they are. I assume they have something to do with pornography and naked ladies. I get them confused with Erotic Entertainment and Esoteric Entertainment. In any case, they didn't start any trouble and were very polite.

Like every wedding needs "Celebration" and "YMCA", Porn Star Karaoke is required by the Burbank Police Department to stage at least one "Baby Got Back". This was delivered under court order. As usual, the technically-non-porn girls, which included the Sardo's waitresses and Konnie from DVSX, gave the porn girls a run for their money in the hotness category.

Does that mean that our nation's porn girls are getting less hot, or simply that Los Angeles has the hottest girls in the country? Sidebar: have I become David Lee Roth?

I don't mean to  be crude, but I'm in a crude mood. Konnie from DVSX must have flashburns on her lower buttocks this morning from every human being in the room with a camera trying to take an upskirt shot of her.

I checked in with Roy Karch to get my head straight.

"Roy," I said.

"You're all right, bubelah," he said.

I talked with a woman about nothing in particular for about three minutes when she asked, "Would you sign my ass?"

I thought and thought and thought about it.

Finally I said No because I had too much to say (and for a bunch of other good reasons).

Tod-Hunter, who is now the Nubians editor at Adam FilmWorld, arrived with a  crunk cup and a gold-capped tooth. "This is the millennium of Aftermath," he didn't say. As quickly as he arrived, he had gone.

A woman named Robin Rosenberg,  who long ago broke the heart of Self-Hating Lew and who drove him down a dark path of soul-searching and regret, said, "I don't make people buy me drinks."

"OK."

"I can hold out longer than any man."

"That's important."

"I'm very sexual."

"All righty."

(If you are ever in Porn Valley, hearing "I'm very sexual" usually means you're in a Von's parking lot.)

Keiko, whose hair cannot be more red, told me something over the din. I didn't hear it. I bet it was exciting.

I met a photographer for Metro who said he wouldn't leave Metro for LFP. That was the first time in my spotty adult industry career that I heard someone say something good about Metro. Nice work, Metro!

Ron Jeremy, fresh from his speaking engagement at Oxford, greeted well-wishers outside, who addressed him in the customary English.

Wankus was flying solo without the able assistance of Kristen Owsinski. "Where is she, Wankus?" I didn't ask. "She was pining due to your absence," he didn't reply, "and died."

I got ready to leave a few times, thinking nothing was happening, when things kept happening. The most important thing was Julie Meadows, who sang a little ditty from "Master of Reality".

Awesome.

Don't get me wrong; I think Sir Mix-a-lot has given a great gift to western culture with "Baby Got Back", "Put 'em on the Glass", and "Jump on it", but he's no Sabbath.

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