opinion

Doc Johnson: I'm Lovin' It!

Gram Ponante
Here is Doc Johnson's new product, the Suction Mistress Dual Breast Exerciser. My college girlfriend was also known as the Suction Mistress, so this brings back fond memories wrapped in a terrifying package.

This artist's conception of a device designed to simulate the feeling of human hands on breasts leaves me confused and frightened.

Other than some of the people wedged between the bar and the small retaining wall at Porn Star Karaoke, have you ever seen someone with suction cups for hands? And what is that thing in the middle? A uvula? A stamen?

The press release suggests that this device be applied to your quivering ladyfriend while you do other things. Like what? Arrange for surgical reconstruction of my horribly burned and misshapen hands?

As you well know, when servicing a lady I prefer to grab both breasts in one hand, because I can. That leaves four fingers, a thumb, and my signet ring from a Mexican jail to do the rest.

I believe that this apparatus looks like an evolutionary ancestor of McDonalds' Fry Guys, and that the middle dongle is actually used to suck out one's brain.

Whatever the true story is (I only print rumors, hazy facts, and meds-destabilized hallucinations), Doc Johnson has been releasing one product a week for the past 600 years, each replacing a central human function.

Chaim Enidjiut writes: That thing in the middle is a squeezie bulb. It moderates the suction in the cups. By the way, I live elsewhere and am not you. The presence of the squeezie bulb makes one wonder who is supposed to squeeze it. However you look at it, one person's hand will have to be occupied in operating the device.

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