opinion

What Would Luke Skywalker Do?

Gram Ponante
As you know, I cannily stay away from the tantrums and dramas of the workaday porn world with its petty jealousies, sublimated need for approval, and stench of failure because of my desire to not have my legs broken by the Mossad. But I feel an itch to weigh in, such as I may, on the subject of the gang at Sexy Outdoor Sports having sex next to freshly-killed animals.

THAT IS AWESOME.

I and Ted Nugent agree that - well, Ted and I agree on everything. It's a free-for-all.

I believe it is of paramount importance that people have sex next to as many things as possible. The Gutenberg Bible, Shakespeare's original folios, and the Lindbergh Baby are just three examples of what I have had sex next to in my illustrious career. Once I delivered a Cream-filled Ass Pie in immediate proximity to the archaeological dig that disovered the earliest-known hominid.

To that end, I must address the oversaturation of Ms. Britney Rears.

I think Jeff Mullen and the naturalized citizens of All Media Play are doing a fine job of shoving the former Sherman Oaks health store clerk formerly known as Jessica Sweet down our throats. It is important in a crowded porn marketplace that the media and public be kept apprised of where Britney Rears is signing, what radio programs she has appeared on, and what Danny Bonaduce thinks of her, because all porn success is measured through the grainy filter of low-wattage mainstream celebrity.

Still, I think it would be good if Britney staged a real event to endear her to us all the more.

I would make a modest proposal, then, that Britney Rears not only kill her own elk but also shoot an anal scene inside the steaming cavity where once its cervine entrails lay.

You know, like a tauntaun.

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