opinion

Thinking outside the box

Gram Ponante
When Tod-Hunter took me and Corey Feldman to the Emmys, our gift bags were lavish and obscene. Mainstream Hollywood knows how to distribute swag.

When the boys in Receiving delivered the Britney Rears goodie box/press kit to the penthouse of Gram Ponante Towers, Iphigenia Squirtz and I settled in for a long weekend of downloading Legs McNeil audiobooks to the Britney Rears-branded iPod, devouring the chocolate-covered anal cherries, and throwing gold "I Wanna Get" inlaid daggers at each other.

Alas, the box only contained the Britney Rears Wild Back Stage Sex Party DVD, a Jolly Rancher lolly, and a bottle of Sutter Home, the kind one finds on trains.

Iphigenia opened the wine, which came with a card reading "Until we meet."

GP: How was it?

IS: It was good.

I ate the lollipop which was tart per Jolly Rancher standards. It was also the same squarish stick-based candy that Ms. Rears is seen slurping on the boxcover. That was important. As Bill Margold is to whatever it is he does, so am I to continuity. As I reached the center of the Jolly Rancher lolly, I was surprised to find a chewy center like Blow-Pops of eld. In fact, it was exactly like a Blow-Pop. I will notify Acacia's lawyers.

Porn Valley is not in the habit of giving goodie bags to journalists. Only listless blowjobs. That is why I herald the Britney Rears goodie bag as a step in the right direction for our industry.

Thanks, Britney Rears!

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