opinion

Gram Ponante launches International MILF Registry

Gram Ponante
As you well know, a porn teen and an actual teen are rarely the same thing, but that is a problem that is too big for us to tackle.

That is why we at Gram Ponante Towers, Rotisserie, Clambake, Crematorium, and Salmon Ladder are proud to announce the International MILF Registry, which will solve the "What is a MILF?" question for consumers.

After lengthy discussions with porn luminaries, clergy, and The Hague, we have determined a set of MILF standards;

1. In order to be considered a MILF, a woman must have physically borne a child, whether vaginally or by cesarean section. Children born from the forehead, as was Jupiter from Saturn's, also qualify, in addition to immaculately-conceived children, provided they actually exit the mother.

2. All parties must be cognizant of the MILF's motherhood, whether she be 18 or 50. This can be established contextually by dialogue like "So you're my hot daughter's boyfriend?" or "So you go to school with my Joey?" or "Do you want to see where Tammy came from?" or "De Bella, you're embarrassing your daughter."

From now on, only movies whose "MILF"s meet the above criteria can receive this coveted and epilepsy-triggering seal of approval.

This "first-time MILFs" movie, asserting actual motherhood, seems on the level. Until proven otherwise I will grant it a seal. If I find out different May God Have Mercy on Its Soul.

Now if we can only do something about the Asians...

Previously: VCA embraces pixelation; Because I could not wait for MILFs; Michelle Aston will eat your girlfriend like a chicken sandwich; Your mother should probably be arrested; Your week in MILFs; Cheyenne Hunter: the loneliness of the long-distance biker-MILF

More Articles

profile

On the Set: Kay Brandt Blazes Trails in 'Naked'

Shawn Alff ·
profile

2017 XBIZ Trans Performer of the Year Reigns Supreme

Shawn Alff ·
opinion

Dr. Marty Klein Confronts America’s 'Porn Panic' in Latest Book

Ericka Rachelle Mendoza ·
profile

Q&A: The Method to Axel Braun’s Wicked Madness

Alejandro Freixes ·
trends

Cinematic Visionaries Push the Envelope of Adult Filmmaking

Alejandro Freixes ·
trends

Veteran Producers Stay True to Vision, Adapt to Today’s Trends

Alejandro Freixes ·
trends

Porn Overcomes Oversaturation With Revived Focus on Content

Stephen Yagielowicz ·
Show More