opinion

Getting Help: When Sexuality Professionals Face Sexual Challenges

A few months ago, I wrote an article about how working in the sex retail and education worlds can affect your sex life. Now, it’s time to look the other side of the coin: how does your sex life affect your job?

This isn’t something that we usually talk about, but there’s nothing that guarantees that being a sexuality professional means that you’ll have an amazing sex life. Sure, we have more access to information and products than most civilians (I’m never sure what word to use to talk about people outside the industry. Muggles, maybe?) While that can give us some advantages, it can also make it more difficult to talk about our challenges and difficulties. There’s a lot of peer pressure to always seem like we’ve figured out our sex lives.

That makes it even harder to get support because we can get stuck in ‘impostor syndrome.’

I’ve had quite a few coaching clients from different parts of the industry and I can promise you that we face the same issues as anyone else. We have medical concerns that impact sex. We have relationship ups and downs. We have fantasies that we’re afraid to share with our partners. We have guilt, fear and shame around sex. We have experiences of sexual assault or trauma. We have all the same hurdles that our customers and clients do.

But on top of all of that, we also work in an industry where talking about pleasure and sex is part of our jobs. That makes it even harder to get support because we can get stuck in “impostor syndrome.” That’s the feeling of, “I hope nobody notices that I’m a fraud” and many of us who work in this field experience it when our sex lives aren’t going as well as we’d like. We worry that if our customers knew about what’s really happening in our lives, we’d lose all of our credibility. And we worry that if our coworkers and colleagues see what we’re facing, we’ll be seen as less qualified to do our jobs.

There are lots of different ways I’ve seen this play out. I’ve talked with store staff who have lost their enthusiasm for work because every day is a reminder of where they feel stuck in their personal lives. I’ve talked with sales reps who can tell you all about the benefits of their products, but they’re careful to keep it from getting personal, even with people they consider friends in the industry, because they aren’t getting what they want in bed. I’ve talked with bloggers and writers who can share hundreds of words about how to enjoy sex, and who feel hollow inside because they can’t put their own advice into practice. These kinds of situations will lead to burnout faster than anything else because the energy that goes into maintaining the façade and keeping your emotions bottled up is energy that can’t go into your job, your relationship, or anything else. It’s a drain, and as long as we keep pretending that we have our sex lives figured out, we’ll never change that.

Of course, I’m not suggesting that you tell your customers about your recent breakup or the pain you experience during sex. There’s a time and a place to open up about our lives, and it isn’t when you’re talking with a client. What I am suggesting is that we need to stop pretending to ourselves that we always have amazing sex lives. We need to offer each other the same care and compassion that we give our clients. There aren’t many people who know as much about sex as we do, so when we need help, we need it to be expert-level.

That can look a lot of different ways. Maybe it means talking with a co-worker over a drink at the end of the day. Maybe it means reading some of the books you’d recommend to a customer. Maybe it means finding a coach or a therapist, though you’ll want to make sure they’re skilled around sexuality issues.

I think it’s pretty clear that these are the same paths I’d suggest to anyone. But there are a couple of differences. First, you need to accept the fact that working in this field doesn’t guarantee sexual happiness. That’s not something most lawyers or restaurant servers face. And second, you still need to find a way to get your work done when it reminds you of what you’re dealing with. Folks in other professions can use their jobs to distract themselves. For us, that might not work.

It isn’t easy to acknowledge that being a sexuality professional doesn’t make you immune to sexual difficulties. But you’re surrounded by compassionate, trained folks who understand these issues, and that gives you lots of opportunities to find the support you need. So when impostor syndrome is holding you back, that’s the sign that you need to move through it and reach out for help. Just like you’d suggest to a customer.

Coping with the ways in which your work reminds you that your personal life is feeling rocky is going to depend a lot on what work you do. Store staff and others who deal with customer questions might find it especially triggering, which makes it even more important to get outside help. But whatever work you do, pay attention when you’re starting to feel burnt out. If you’re facing burn out at the same time that you’re dealing with your own sexual challenges, there’s probably a connection there. Even if you’re limited in the ways you can change your job to give you some cushion, just noticing what’s going on can help. Talk with a co-worker or a friend, or ask your manager if you can change things up a bit. There might be some ways you can give yourself some breathing room while you figure things out.

It’s hard to enjoy your work when you’re facing sexual or relationship hurdles. It’s even harder when your work is about sexuality. Trust me - you aren’t alone in that. It’s something that almost all of us face, sooner or later. I think it’s time for us to find some better ways of dealing with that than pretending it isn’t happening.

Charlie Glickman PhD is a sexuality speaker, trainer, writer, blogger and coach. He’s a certified somatic sex educator and has been working in this field for more than 20 years. Glickman is the co-author of “The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure: Erotic Exploration for Men and Their Partners.” Find out more about him at www.charlieglickman.com.

Related:  

Copyright © 2024 Adnet Media. All Rights Reserved. XBIZ is a trademark of Adnet Media.
Reproduction in whole or in part in any form or medium without express written permission is prohibited.

More Articles

opinion

Why BDSM Furniture and Sex Machines Make an Ideal Match

For BDSM enthusiasts and curious newbies alike, a big part of the fun is discovering and exploring exciting new sensations and scenarios. One way to level up is by combining or layering pleasures you already enjoy, and one surefire way to do that is with BDSM furniture.

Rebecca Weinberg ·
opinion

Tips for Boosting Ecommerce Revenue With Behavioral Insights

At our marketing agency, we focus on using real data to make better decisions for our clients. We believe every action a visitor takes on a website can tell us something important. This helps us shape our strategies and assist our clients in turning casual website visitors into loyal customers.

Lauren Bailey ·
opinion

A Look at the Do's and Don'ts of Gift-With-Purchase Promos

Imagine you’re at a store, deciding between two products with similar packaging, features and pricing. You’re not predisposed toward either brand and you haven’t seen any reviews — but one of them offers, “Free gift with purchase!” Does that win you over?

Vanessa Rose ·
opinion

Tips for Navigating a Completely Remote Job in Sexual Wellness

Anyone working in the sexual wellness and pleasure sector has at some point had to deal with issues like bias against the industry, as well as limited marketing and advertising options.

Bryony Lees ·
trends

Meet the 2024 Class of Up-and-Coming Pleasure Brands to Watch

With each new year that rolls in, new pleasure brands emerge, and 2024 is no exception. Already this year, a slew of new entrants are rapidly gaining traction and recognition via social media, among retailers and distributors — and most importantly, end consumers.

profile

WIA Profile: Sarah Franson

When you do what you love, they say, you’ll never work a day in your life — and when your job involves educating the masses about sex toys, it’s hard not to love what you do.

Women In Adult ·
profile

Popsi Lingerie CEO Sam Golshan Discusses Brand's Growth, Mission

Lingerie: a sexy French word for an alluring little something to spark things up in the bedroom, teasingly wear out to clubs, dress up in to celebrate a special occasion or just wear under everyday clothes to feel excited and desirable.

Kim Airs ·
profile

Honey Play Box's Joreail Armstrong Reflects on Company's Growth

Today, Armstrong serves as business development manager for boutique sex toy brand Honey Play Box, but he began his role there as a one-man marketing department, assisting CEO Shirley Wang with nearly every aspect of launching the brand.

Sofia Barrett-Ibarria ·
opinion

How Awareness Revolutionized Materials Used in Pleasure Products

Today’s manufacturers and consumers are material-savvy, giving rise to pleasure products that are safe to use, beautiful to look at, high-quality and even environmentally responsible.

Eric Lee ·
opinion

How Sex-Ed Lays the Groundwork for Well-Informed Shopping

We often do some research before making purchases, whether by delving into a company’s background, exploring specific products or simply making sure we understand how to use something before we buy it.

Nathan Hammerle ·
Show More