opinion

The Also-Rannys: A Time for Healing

Gram Ponante
At a small ceremony at the Valley Ball breakfast buffet this morning Gram Ponante.com's parent company announced the winners of the Also-Rannies, awards given to movies and individuals whom we think were under-recognized by the recent AVN and XBiz nominations.

"While we acknowledge that we are defining ourselves in relation to a better-recognized awards show, this understanding has 1.) never stopped anyone else, and 2.) comforts us in that the nominations-to-awards time took about 15 minutes," said Loup Perch-Tounge, sampling a buffalo wing medley.

In the quarter hour between deciding to have an awards show and presenting it, Perch-Tounge noted that the Also-Rannies already have a better band than the AVN awards.

"Everywhere I go, there's Roy Karch playing his harmonica," Perch-Tounge noted. "This morning I saw him by the Carl's Jr. and lured him in with this excellent ranch dressing."

Like the honors upon which they are based, the Also-Ranny awards are wreathed in controversy, exultation, and dashed hopes. Particularly bruising this year was the decision to not present a David Sturman Award.

"It would have been a ten-way tie," said Perch-Tounge of the accolade given to a company that went through more publicists in a given period. "And there was a lot of lobbying, but no one was employed long enough to send the followup paperwork."

There was also a clerical error that resulted in an award being granted to a movie that was already nominated in the same AVN category.

"I didn't notice there was a second page," said Gram Ponante.

The awards themselves are small stuffed animals bought at the Roscoe offramp of the 5 freeway.

"We were going to use overstock Temptation awards," said Perch-Tounge, "but the Also-Rannies are known for their devotion to quality."

Here, then, are the 2006 Also-Ranny awards. Congratulations to all the winners.

Screenplay

The Da Vinci Load, Hustler, Nelson X

Every movie submitted for nomination has its own backers within a company, and Da Vinci Load lost out to Aphrodisiac at Hustler. Da Vinci Load is the superior movie in every regard, but especially Nelson X' screenplay, which is witty, misanthropic, and a great example of porn for smart people.

Director

Ernest Greene, O: The Power of Submission, Adam & Eve

Greene got performances out of people that were surprising and nuanced. He also tackled a weighty subject with grace and ease and took his audience with him, rather than considering the audience unworthy of the credit.

Gonzo Series Smokin' Crack, Barrett Blade for Sin City/Mayhem

Blade's simple setups and competent but not over-wrought camera work made this series exactly what it should be: an effective porn stash document. Alternative Release Psychocandy IV, Benny Profane for Pirate Booty Productions

A different aesthetic and an unwillingness to cater to every Pornywood formula makes this infrequently-produced series (and 2006' entry) special.

Black Release

Indigo Noir, Roy Karch for Adam & Eve

Slick and no-nonsense, this movie delivered the goods without attempting to make the audience forget it was a porn movie.

Animated Release

The Princess Has Come of Age, Black Widow Productions

The Princess looked just like Natalie Imbruglia

Best New Starlet

Lorelei Lee

First you notice that she's smart, and everything fits into place from there.

Best Actor - Video

Tommy Gunn, O; The Power of Submission, Adam & Eve

Actually nominated for this role in a supporting category, Gunn deserves the top slot

Best Non-Sex Performance

Veronica Hart, Neu Wave Hookers, VCA

Hart literally pops up unexpectedly in the "I Dig It" sequence of this movie which, as I look back on it, is far and away the best scene of the film

(We were going to nominate Gram Ponante, Adrianna Nicole, and Tee Real for their work in Barbed Wire Kiss, but Creative self-casting would have been the Eli Cross award, and we only had so many bunnies.)

Best Sex Scene James Deen, Tommy Pistol, and Veronica Hart, Neu Wave Hookers, VCA

Same scene, and Veronica is not having sex with the lip-synching Pistol and Deen, but they are waving their junk at her

Best Music

Atomic Vixens: Escape from the Valley of the Sluts, VCA

All MySpace bands, herded like cats, and providing this movie with a Space Mexican surf-guitar feel

Best Director, Body of Work

(tie) DCypher

(tie) Roy Karch

Both guys work for multiple companies and put a little blood into each production, delivering value to their employers and, I think, not getting the credit they deserve.

Specialty Series

Couples Seduce Teens, Pink Visual

Creepy? You bet. One forgets that everyone involved is tested, documented, and in on the joke. A great "reality" series for people feeling pervy and not socially responsible.

Previously: Report: XBiz award desirable; Night of the Stars recognizes freedom, snacks; Adult industry evens ratio of awards to movies; F.A.M.E. recognizes small asses; You're all pretty

See also: portions of this article appeared on Gamelink

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