opinion

Baby It’s Cold Outside! Time To Surf For Porn.

Colin Rowntree

As most of us in North America have noticed, "Climate Change" has come down like a hammer on most of the US and Canada this winter with snowstorms, ice storms and temperatures dipping below ZERO in most parts of our realm the past couple of months.

Being a stats geek, I took a look at how this might be effecting surfers looking for porn (rather than scraping ice off of the driveway, or running into a tree to go buy milk).

My cue to do this was the result of the US Federal Government Shutdown a few months ago that resulted in a 1500% increase of porn search traffic coming in from Northern Virginia, Washington DC and Maryland that appeared to have a few hundred thousand government workers sitting at home waiting to go back to work.

I've also noted this shifting pattern for almost 10 years when the Unemployment Rate goes up and down, the Stock Market fluctuates, the USA declares war on a camel in a tent, and other mainstream market variables come into play that result in folks sitting on their cans at home either bored and looking for porn, or scared to death of the economy and deciding to clean out the basement rather than get tempted by a gal in fishnets in Bulgaria wanting some live video sex chat at $4 a minute.  But wait!

As much as I think Google Analytics (and Google in general) is some spawn of Satan that sucks down surfer's personal info, that really is the go-to place for most sites on the web to go see what is happening as our dear surfers wander around the interwebs.  Ergo, this is the place that I had to look.....

GOOGLE ANALYTICS: WEATHER EFFECTS PORN SURFING PATTERNS!

The WEATHER?
Okay, let's take a look......

During the horrible storms that swept through Texas and the East Coast a few weeks ago, there was indeed a 1000% increase in surfer traffic from effected states. Oddly enough, they bought things.

Hmmm. Maybe time to go inside and surf for Porn?
During the "Cold Snap" that Canada sent our way (thanks, Canada.  You suck. Again.), same thing. 1000% increase in porn surfer traffic coming from the Midwest and the Northeast. Oddly enough, they also bought things.

The other interesting stat to note is that in areas with major power failures that cause laptops and desktops to stop working if the power is out at home, mobile traffic shot up off the grid.  Nature abhors a vacuum, and apparently if home-bound surfers have no electricity, they move over to their mobile devices that still work (maybe in the car?) for a bit of naughty entertainment.

Also of interest is that California and the Western States that did not have any horrid "weather events" occur the past two months, they  remain at their usual traffic and purchase levels, but any time in the past there is a massive brush fire, earthquake or some other ground shaking West Coast event, the traffic goes up there as well.

It's kind of obvious that when hit by ice and snow storms, or it is so cold outside, most folks have the good sense to stay inside. And surf for porn for a bit of enjoyment! And buy things!

Bring it on, Mother Nature! Online porn needs all the help it can get!

Visit Colin at Wasteland.com