Cooze Cruise — X-Play Docks ‘Love Boat XXX’

Jared Rutter

“This movie, honestly, is gonna be so fucking good — one of our better ones,” says Jeff Mullen. He’s shooting “Love Boat XXX,” a parody of the long-running (1977–87) sitcom with his X-Play production team for Adam & Eve Pictures. He’s the writer and coproducer (with Scott David), directing as usual under the name Will Ryder.

Despite the hard work and long hours that go into all X-Play productions, there’s almost a party atmosphere at the Hustler Studios soundstages, a kind of family feel: old pals and associates mingling with friendly new faces.

Despite the hard work and long hours that go into all X-Play productions, there’s almost a party atmosphere at the Hustler Studios soundstages, a kind of family feel: old pals and associates mingling with friendly new faces.

It’s the second day of the shoot, around noon. They’re just coming off a long first night. “Not all night like ‘Wizard’ but almost,” Mullen says, referring to his recent marathon “Wizard of Oz XXX” parody shoot.

As in all X-Play sitcom spoofs, much attention is paid to details of what the TV series actually looked like. Fans are sure to recognize the “famous Love Boat corridor,” one of several sets erected on the soundstage, including staterooms, a doctor’s office and the boat’s deck, surrounded by a green screen on which will appear digitized images of the sea and sky.

At the moment Mullen is shooting on an adjoining stage, on a bar set crowned by a twirling disco ball. It looks just like 1978, the year the movie takes place.

Veteran actor Tee Reel is perfectly cast as Isaac the Bartender. An afro wig and bushy mustache turn him into a believable replica of actor Ted Lange. “Hope I do him justice,” he says. “People have been saying, ‘You look just like him.’”

These days Tee spends most of his time running his agency, Ideal Image Models. But he made time to work on this project. “For the right guy I’ll come out and show some love. I like working for Jeff.”

He couldn’t be happier about his sex partner, young, blonde, petite Penny Pax, a 2013 XBIZ Best New Starlet nominee. “She’s sweet. It’s nice to be able to fuck young, fresh girls who enjoy sex. These things [features] always take time, so it’s good to be with someone who has patience. Not many girls understand that it’s not all gonzo, in and out.”

They’re doing dialogue now, a playful seduction scene. Tee’s line is, “Shee-it, everybody makin’ love on this yacht but me.” Mullen makes him repeat it several times to nail the drawn-out intonation on the word “shee-it.”

Penny, playing the Captain’s flirtatious daughter, counters with, “I promise to fuck you if you give me a bottle of Southern Comfort.” She hesitates on the last two words and Mullen has to explain that Southern Comfort is a sweet liqueur that was once the intoxicant of choice for party girls back in the day.

“Hey Jeff,” one of the gaffers interrupts, hopefully, “we’re gonna get out of here by seven tonight.”

“I just looked at the script,” Mullen shoots back. “We’re not.”

They have three more sex scenes: “This, a short three-way and a boy-girl.” But also more than the usual amount of dialogue — plus some crowd scenes. “Extras are coming in at 2:30.”

Penny runs through her dialogue without a hitch, smiling and flirtatious. Tee/Isaac announces on the ship’s intercom that the bar is closing for maintenance. That’s the segue into the sex. First they have to shoot softcore: no penetration, just fake — but convincing — humping from Tee and moaning from Penny.

“Spin the disco ball,” Mullen orders.

Tee undresses Penny, kisses her shoulders and small pretty breasts. She moans ecstatically when he pretends to eat her pussy. But with his head rubbing between her thighs, his mustache comes unglued and he has to run to makeup for repairs.

Mullen uses the timeout to talk about the other performers on board.

Sunny Lane, an X-Play favorite, plays cruise director Julie. She’s the most seasoned veteran in a cast of mostly up-andcoming girls. Brunette hottie Kendall Karson has sex with Gopher the Purser, played by male newcomer Tyler Nixon. Then there’s Jessa Rhodes, 19, a fresh blonde, Capri Cavanni and Eurasian siren Gia Grace.

The wacky storyline has to do with a passenger pursuing her idol, John Travolta, who she thinks is on the boat. He turns out to be an imposter — played by Seth Gamble. James Bartholet essays a new character, Mr. X, a “leisure” and restaurant critic, and porn icon Ron Jeremy has a cameo as himself. Rounding out the Love Boat crew is Kurt Lockwood as “Doc.”

Back in the green room, where the other actors are hanging out, Sunny is in the makeup chair, looking just as delectable as ever.

She’s chatting with Steve Nelson, editor and publisher of AINews.com and an occasional porn actor. He’s in a white uniform as the Captain, looking remarkably like Gavin McLeod. Nelson has been doing scenes in porn — 180 so far — since 1992, but mostly in smaller-budget shows. “This is my biggest production and my biggest role” — worth shaving his head for.

He’ll be getting a blowjob from Gia Grace, who has just arrived, already looking sultry.

Back in the bar, with the softcore footage out of the way, Penny and Tee are fucking for real. Penny really puts out, with energy and passion as she grinds her hips on the dick. Mullen goes handheld with his camera to get all the in and out.

As the disco ball casts glittering shards of light, Penny and Tee run through blowjob, doggiestyle, seated reverse cowgirl and finally missionary with Penny balancing on a rickety barroom table.

Her screams and moans get more intense as Tee nears orgasm. Finally, she’s on her knees as his semen goes all over her face. Penny comes in with the punch line: “Now, give me my bottle!”

“Cut! That’s great,” Mullen yells.

Penny, all smiles, rushes off the set on her way to the shower. She grins at an observer. “Did you watch the scene? Were you entertained?”

Affirmative answer. “Good!”

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