opinion

Porn I'd like to see

Gram Ponante
One of the ways the media attempts to depict a magnate, celebrity, or politician as "out of touch" is to quiz him or her on how much a loaf of bread or bottle of milk costs.

I think this is an unfair measure. A better test, I'd think, would be to find the country you've directed troops to occupy on a map.

I thought about this recently when I walked into an adult bookstore in Mexico and didn't have a clue how much a DVD cost or what was actually selling. Because I get that stuff for free, it doesn't register.

Along those lines, I long ago stopped thinking of interesting names for porn movies because how could I compete with Wax Dat Black Azz and I Was Tight Yesterday?

To not be out of touch with my former porn-purchasing self, here are some titles I'd like to see:

1. Paging Dr. Fingerbang

2. Creamboat Cuties of the Pussissippi

3. Low-Cost cIA*lis

4. Tristan Taormino's House of Kurt Lockwood

5. Cum on My Tattoo (starring the corpse of Herve' Villechaize)

6. Barely Legal: 2257 Documentation

7. Girls of Defunct Porn Blogs

8. Fairly Illegal: Border-Crossin' Cuties

9. Dirty Fuckin' Cunts Emblematic of Unresolved Issues with My Mother

10. Jenna Loves Honey Dip

Basing one's porn title (loosely) on Hollywood fare is a noble tradition in the adult racket. Here are some un-mined gems:

1. Schindler's Fist

2. Mr. Holland's Anus

3. The Whore's Whisperer

4. Three Men and a Dirty Fuckin' Cunt (see above)

5. Koyaanisquntsi

6. My Dinner with a Dirty Fuckin' Cunt

7. Naked Donkey Lunch

8. LukeIsBack Mountain

9. The Gashin' of the Christ

10. Clitter

Naturally, I want Kami Andrews to star in all of them.

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