opinion

Possibly the greatest movie of all time

Gram Ponante
My gripping and uncredited portrayal of crusading American Porn Journalist Gram Ponante in Jack's Playground 27 galvanized test audiences in New York, London, Paris, and Munich. "Gram's tears are the world's tears," said a visibly-shaken U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan.

As a battalion of Baltic chefs unveiled a 30-foot butter sculpture of myself and co-star Austin Kincaid at the red carpet Los Angeles premiere, invited guests mingled and celebrated, while I and Kincaid toasted, cut the cake and performed all the traditional wedding acts.

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