opinion

Czech Slams American Asses

Gram Ponante
I know our country is fighting a multi-front war right now, and in addition to Katrina relief and my tax cut, America's resources are stretched (or, as we like to say in the business, gaped). Still, it might be prudent to nuke Czechoslovakia for its slander against our womens' asses.

Digital Sin director Dillon, whom the press release aptly calls an "XXX-patriot" (I thought the pun was a horrible misspelling of expatriate when I first read it, making me think I should start my own publicist school, but then I read further and realized that this person hates American asses) has assembled a team of Euro-hotties in his Ass-Crackin' 7.

"Look at that ass," he whispers during a scene, pointing to the cover girl. "Look at how round it is and how fucking perfect it is. She doesn’t mind taking it up the ass either and they're all born to gape. You don't find that too much back in the States."

Wow. This guy talks like he's making an obscene phone call. Don't get me wrong; I am humble before greatness, but if I were the person sitting next to Dillon during the scene and he started telling me how fucking perfect and round the ass was, well, I'd probably ask him to let me make up my own goddamn mind. Then I'd say, "America: love it or leave it! Punk!" and then I'd be all like, "oh right, you already left it."

"I'll never get tired of watching these women," Dillon says. "I love the women in this country, they just keep taking up the butt." Is taking up the butt like taking up the accordion? Or did he mean taking it up the butt? If so, have you ever taken it up the accordion?

Ass Crackin' 7 is in stores now (American stores) and stars Barbara Summer, Melissa Black, Jasmine Rouge, and Claudia Adams.

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