Look over your shoulder. The sextoys are coming! The sextoys are coming! Many of us in the adult industry already know that several kinds of toys have made their way into bricks and mortar general merchandise stores such as CVS, Rite Aid, Walgreens, and the ever-conservative Walmart. Yep, Walmart.

Industry giants Durex and Trojan have penetrated the mainstream market by placing their toys in the condoms and lubricants section of the stores – I mean, where else would they put them? They aren’t by the front counter… yet. Sometimes, they cleverly hide in the “massagers” area – the place where once can easily erase those aches and pains with a Tylenol and a vibrator. The mainstreamed products range from vibrating cock rings, the original cross-over product that created a stir when introduced into drug stores a decade ago, to real, live action VIBRATORS that make no pretense as to what they really are. Their discreet packaging is what slides them easily into those stores.

I was at a Walgreens recently and gulped when I saw the mainstay Pocket Rocket, complete with interchangeable heads, being pawned off as a massager. And of course, the price was waaay lower than what a typical adult store would need to charge to cover their overhead. I wondered how many elderly women would go back to their hubbies and say “Look what I got at Walgreens, honey! It’s for pain relief for my arthritic knuckles!”

I really feel that the mainstreaming of toys is both good and bad for the adult industry. Here’s why…

It’s bad because people don’t have to feel obligated to visit their local adult store to buy a vibrator. When checking out at Walmart, they can simply add it to their purchase. “That’ll be tissues, a bottle of Minute Maid, a new T shirt, a Transformers toy, tampons, and oh, a Trojan vibrator and the total of your order is…” with the check out clerk barely noticing what’s in the shopping cart. Vamoose pesky embarrassment!

So then you have suburban housewife, or even RURAL housewife, discovering the joys of using her new found toy. “Gee, I only read about these things in Redbook,” might cross her mind. “I think I like this.”

And that’s where we come in. Once Ms. Suburbia finds she likes the sensation of her new found pleasure, it can often open the door to more purchases of bigger, faster, harder, more kinds of toys. And lubricants. And body treats. And lingerie. And DVDs. And sex ed instruction books. The list can go on and on. It’s up to us to continue her education (and hopefully her partner’s if that’s the case) to let her know buying these things is okay. She’s an automatic upsell as the overwhelming majority of toys sold in the mainstream are pretty straightforward, well, straight, vibrators.

But I’m still concerned. It’s like my own little secret of where to buy these things has been mass merchandised and all the special attributes I’ve learned about each and every gizmo will be out there for everyone to know. But isn’t that why we do this anyway? To preach the gospel to the public of why we love these unique and always-changing toys? To share our enthusiasm and educate those hard to reach customers so they can reach those “hard to reach places”? I guess so.

So let’s embrace our mass merchandisers in the sex toy department, knowing that the next purchase for these women will be in our stores and from our websites, where we can provide so much more information than the clerk sporting the blue smock. 

See ya on the next blog!

JOTB (joke of the blog, that is!)

Once a guy went to his doctor and said “Doc, my dick is orange!”

“Really?” the doctor replied. “Let me see.”

Sure enough, the guy had an orange dick. “Hmmmm,” said the doctor. “Do you live under high power lines?” he questioned the man.

“No,” he answered.

“Do you work at a nuclear power plant?” the doctor continued.

“No,” the man answered. “In fact, I’m not working right now.”

“Oh!,” the doctor responded. “Then what do you do all day?”

“Not much,” shrugged the man. “Sit around, watch porno, eat Cheeze Doodles…”

Okay, I know I might get crucified for this blog. For the majority of my 20 years in this wacky business since opening Grand Opening!, I, and most likely you, have been preaching from the pulpit that glycerin in a sugar and should be avoided in lubricants. Well, my friends, time for a little hard core science to prove to you that glycerin is NOT a sugar! Hang with me on this one: it will change your mind and thinking, too.

Many people have the belief that glycerin, a major ingredient in many lubricants, can cause or exacerbate yeast infections. This simply is not true. The popular belief is that yeast feeds on sugar, and that’s what glycerin is. But here’s the truth: Glycerin in and of itself is NOT a sugar but a sugar ALCOHOL and does NOT contain the components of a sugar that actively feed yeast or other bacteria. Again, it is a sugar alcohol and has the chemical make up similar to both of those.

You know, I don’t throw italics in my blogs that often so you know when I do, I really want you to pay attention.

Okay, back to science. According to Wikipedia, Glycerol (or glycerine, glycerin) is a simple polyol compound. It is a colorless, odorless, viscous liquid that is widely used in pharmaceutical formulations. Glycerol has three hydroxyl groups that are responsible for its solubility in water and its hygroscopic nature. The glycerol backbone is central to all lipids known as triglycerides. Glycerol is sweet-tasting and of low toxicity and click on the link here if you want to read a lot of chemical compounding mumbo-jumbo about the actual make up of glycerin and polyols. Ah, chemistry… see, you shouldn’t have slept through it in high school.

Glycerin is constantly being confused with sugar because it has a sweet taste and because it is used as a sweetener in many different low-carb and dietary foods. During metabolization, which is what the body does to break down food in its digestive system, glycerin can be converted to glucose by the LIVER. HOWEVER, glycerin cannot be converted to glucose in the vagina because the last time I checked, my liver was not attached to my vagina in any way, shape, or form! For yeast to thrive, they need a sugar such as glucose, NOT an alcohol as glycerin is. Keep following me here…

So that’s basically what is going on. DIGESTED glycerin WILL change into a sugar in the body when it’s digested through the system so that’s why someone who is diabetic, for example, needs to be careful with their glycerin intake. But when you’re gonna smear lube around your girly bits, toys, or on his giblets, before and during your ins and outs, you have NOTHING to worry about. Glycerin based lube will NOT go through the metabolization process and will NOT turn into that pesky sugar everyone falsely blames on reoccurring yeast infections.

But let’s step back a moment to look at what a yeast infection is… sure, it could be the scourge of your local baker when a yeast infection churns its way into the sourdough, but when it comes to women, this is what it is and this is what it does:

First of all, yeast infections don’t happen as often as you’d think! The vagina is an incredibly complex eco-system, a place where heaven and earth come together, a place of mystery and power, a deep, dark pleasure cave that can topple governments… I’m getting ahead of myself and romanticizing vaginas. Glad I own one.

Back to science: Vaginal yeast infections are caused by Candida albicans, which are, in extremely small amounts, usually part of a woman’s vaginal makeup (VAGINAL MAKEUP! There’s a market for that, I’m sure!) and inside the honey walls o’ pleasure, there’s also a few bacteria hanging around for good measure, too. Like a bad weed, sometimes the yeast can go galloping through your vag faster than Paul Revere shouting “The yeasties are coming! The yeasties are coming!” And the culprits can be things like a change in the in the vaginal environment such as injury (that can be caused by not using enough lube! Yep!), sexual transmission, HIV, douching, underwear, what you EAT, drugs, birth control pills (or other hormonal imbalances) and additional common causes. For example, taking oft-prescribed antibiotics can kill off bacteria but antibiotics may also kill off the cells in the vagina that normally keep the balance between bacteria and yeast at bay so when the bacteria’s away, the yeast will play. Whew!

What kind of panties are you wearing, little girl with the yeast infection? Those sexy satiny ones are probably not the best choice and even when they look smokin’ hot, your crotch definitely begs for cotton which breathes a lot more. Yep, cotton. Yeasties love vaginas as much as heat seeking body missles do so try to keep your snatch happy and just moist enough to keep the walls from sticking to each other. Gosh! What a delicate balancing act we have!

But wait! There’s more! Deodorant soaps will zap your natural moisture (and naturally occurring bacteria) as will commercially available douches. Speaking of which, a woman’s vag scent is an exotic blend of juices that is to be pleasured and enjoyed, not masked with “Summer Daisy Field” scent, no matter what they say.

I feel another blog coming on… so I’ll get back to the sugar/yeast infection thing.

Blast panels are tests where labs inoculate molecules such as glycerin with bacteria and yeast and it is often shown in these tests that glycerin and glycerin based lubes have a reverse effect on yeast almost to an anti-microbial classification. Yep, you read right. The OPPOSITE effect! Glycerin has to be bonded to several other molecules to become a complete sugar capable of feeding yeast which is what happens when you DIGEST glycerin and not introduce it into the tender cavity known as a vagina.

Okay, here’s another example of what I’m sayin’.  Glad you’ve made it this far with all this hard science. There won’t be a quiz and I’ll give you an A when you’re done reading.

Many OTC (over the counter) yeast infection remedies and even homeopathic ones contain the inactive ingredient of glycerin to keep them slippery when sliding in for medicinal use. Glycerin in these products allow the medicine to be evenly dispersed within the vagina and if glycerin CAUSES yeast infections, do you really think it would be an ingredient in these products? Go figure.

We have a lot of work to do to undo the belief that glycerin is a sugar, so I am relying on each and every one of you to go out there and tell your friends, co-workers, and especially customers, that they have nothing to worry about in the glycerin/yeast infection department. You have hard, undeniable science behind you to support you so get the story straight and use more lube!  

And now for the JOTBs (I know I forgot them last time and since you've read this far down, you deserve a few of them)...

Once a woman was checking out at her neighborhood supermarket and found herself with a handsome young man bagging her groceries. He offered to take her groceries to her car and while they were in the parking lot, she leaned over and whispered in his ear “I have an itchy pussy…” He looked at her and replied “I’m sorry Ma’am. You’ll have to point it out. All those small Japanese cars look the same.”

*****

Once there were three old women sitting on a park bench when they were approached by a male flasher. He exposed himself and the first woman looked at it and had a stroke. The second woman looked at it and had a stroke, too. The third woman looked at it and refused to touch it.

****

Once there was a newly married couple that were going to undress each other for the first time on their wedding night. As the groom took off his socks, his bride noticed his toes were all curled up. “Agh!” she cried. “Polio!” “No,” he responded, “TOE-lio.”

Then he dropped his pants and there were red spots all around his knees. “MEASLES!” she cried. “No,” he returned. “KNEE-sles.”

Then it came time to take off his underwear and she took one look and said, “I know. SMALL COX.”

On that note... happy science and see ya again soon!

All during high school, I spent four years toiling away in the Ocean County (NJ) Public Library’s technical processing department, checking in books on zillions of topics. Many of the themes for non-fiction kids books would be “Blah, Blah, Blah for Fun and Profit” and they’d explain different hobbies and such that would not only be fun to do, but would make money for you, too.

With this blog, I’m now officially writing “Kegel Exercises for Fun and Profit.”

Yeah, yeah, I know you’re thinking “Oh, another ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’” article and why, yes, it sort of is, but it’s also a guide for you so if you can’t tell a Kegel from a kugel, this blog is for you!

If you want to just get to the “good” parts about Ben Wa Balls for kegel pleasure in  FSoG, just flip to page 362 to read the, ahem, stellar writing… “He holds out his hand, and in his palm are two shiny silver balls linked with a thick black thread … Inside me! I gasp, and all the muscles deep in my belly clench. My inner goddess is doing the dance of the seven veils … Oh my … It’s a curious feeling. Once they’re inside me, I can’t really feel them—but then again I know they’re there … Oh my … I may have to keep these. They make me needy, needy for sex.”

Okay, okay… now I know a lot of you are probably thinking “How could those little silver (or gold) balls turn this FSoG character, a 20 something, nervous college student, into a raving slut, never mind want to do the dance of the seven veils inside her quivering quim?”

Keep in mind that this book is fiction but truth be told, the benefits of doing Kegels certainly is fact.

To better understand the renewed interest in women’s anatomy and why they’ve recently become so popular, let’s look at what Kegels are in the first place.

First described in 1948 by Dr. Arnold Kegel (of course!), Kegel exercises consist of tightening and releasing the pelvic floor muscle group consisting primarily of the puboccocygeus muscle, otherwise known as the PC muscle or “pelvic sling.” This group of muscles is responsible for holding your guts up in your body cavity as well as keeping the flow of urine nice and smooth.  Kegel exercises were first “prescribed” for post-childbirth tightening and especially for the treatment of urinary incontinence, and as a non-surgical treatment for “genital relaxation.” One of the major benefits of performing Kegels is that the PC muscle surrounds the vagina so in essence, a nice, well toned PC muscle translates into nice, tighter honey walls of pleasure.

How Ben Wa balls play into the Kegel exercise routine is this: let’s say you want to tone your upper arms. You could do arm lifts or pull ups with your fists which may strengthen your muscles but it would take lots of reps to get to that point. If you were to use weights during the exercise process, the added weight for resistance would make for a more effective workout for your upper arms. Sort of the same holds true with using Ben Wa balls during Kegel exercises. Having two small balls inserted vaginally gives a woman something to grip around, never mind squeeze together in order to stay inside. Legend has it that Geishas would insert the balls and go about their daily duties, like rocking in a chair so the balls would gently roll around inside her increasingly stimulated vagina.

Whether or not that’s true, some women swear by the insertion of balls in their vajjs, either when they are separate or attached together on a cord.  The larger, heavier balls that are attached by a cord, rubber or even a silicone thread, are commonly referred to as “DuoTone Balls” – most likely because they contain a small metal marble in the center of the (usually) plastic egg or ball and usually have a removal cord of nylon or silicone at the base. It’s always a challenge to play the first few bars of “La Cucaracha” with these internal maracas but it’s been known to happen.  

Okay, back to Ben Wa balls. Who would have thought that the small, ½ inch wide metal balls, once relegated to the dusty discount bins of adult retail shops because no one knew what they were or how they worked, would become as popular as they are today? Most of the times, they were just two little golden balls in a crystal box with a fake velvet lining without instructions for their use, which were usually written in poorly translated Chinese.

But not anymore. Middle-aged women are buying them in order to experience the pleasure the fictional character experiences throughout the book. The Ben Wa balls that Christian Grey so eloquently inserts into the waiting Anastasia have single-handedly has caused the latest craze in sex toys. For many years, the very famous Rabbit Pearl by Vibratex, immortalized through the exposure in “Sex and The City” television series, held the mantel. Then, in part because of the rabbit’s external stimulation, women were suddenly in touch with their clitorises and knew where they were at any given time. Perhaps coincidentally, women’s G spots became the new corps celeb: the internal area of the vagina that the spinning pearls of the Rabbit so easily stimulated.  Everyone in the industry clambered to make the best and most celebrated G spot toy on the planet and continue to do so today.

But now the G spot craze seems to be in the rear view mirror and women are shifting their attention to performing Kegel exercises in order to please their partners, be it in a BDSM relationship or for just plain ol’ better sex.

So now there are tons of variations of Ben Wa Balls and DuoTone Balls as companies race to capitalize on the FSoG Bn Wa craze. Personally, I think this is a GOOD thing as doing Kegels is a healthy thing to do for one’s body, FSoG be damned!

There’s glass ones, metal ones, silicone encased ones, virtually something for any woman out there who wants to strengthen her inner workings to compliment her outer workings. There’s even dildos and vibrators created specially for internal, PC muscle enhancement, that will contribute to pleasure when she decides to go for the burn… okay, maybe not the burn but you know what I mean.

While the standard of Ben Wa Balls has been those two, marble-sized metal balls that, once out of the body, look like they could be part of Junior’s playtoys, female customers’ demands for something sexy and artful have made several toy companies develop variations that ain’t your Granny’s Ben Wa balls.

New Sensations’ NS Novelties proudly brings us the combination of art and function with their lovely, artistic, “you can leave ‘em out on the dining room table” Crystal Premium Eggs which, yes, since you asked, ARE egg shaped, making them the perfect gift for Mommy’s Easter Basket! They are available in many colors and weights, too, so you can change them up to match your outfits. I’ve tried these before and they are really pleasant to use.

Expanding on the DuoTone Balls theme, enter Icon Brands Ultimate Kegel Kit, Jopen’s award winning Vanity Intensity, Posh Silicone balls from California Exotic Novelties, LELO’s Luna Beads, the early creation Smart Balls from Fun Factory and EVI, the latest Kegel creation from Aneros, the folks who’ve created the first, anatomically correct butt plug. These companies and many others realized they could fill the gap for toys that could not only provide pleasure but create it themselves.

These companies have created weighted, marble-enclosed balls that are often coated in silicone or reside in a stretchy, silicone sleeve that allows one to change the weight of the balls with different ones that are in the kit. This is definitely one of the most intriguing advancements in DuoTone land as it lets the user/wearer get pleasure AND exercise in one, easy package. I have a few of these and they’re REALLY nice!

Jopen offers the Intensity, an inflating, vibrating, electro-stim g spot and Kegel exercise toy released prior to the FSoG craze. I wish they would have used the Intensity in FSoG because it doubles as an electro stim toy, too… play hard, I say!

Icon Brands have throws their balls in the wind with the new “Ultimate Kegel Kit” containing a three ball collection, customized by inserting into a silicone sleeve. The instructions on the box advise one to complete their 6 step/6 weeks program by gently increasing the weight of the plastic balls (complete with a marble on the inside) in the silicone sleeves to build strength, again playing with the “increase weight/increased strength” thought of exercise in general. LELO’s Luna Beads has a similar approach, offering somewhat smaller beads sliding into silicone sleeves for a customized Kegel workout.  These two kits go way beyond the tacky, fake velvet-lined crystal boxes of the original Ben Wa balls.

Fun Factory’s Smartballs is generally regarded as the original type of silicone covered pleasure balls and they were honored with a mention on TMZ about their sales increase of SmartBalls because of FsoG.

As for toys made specifically for Kegels without moving parts or marbles that circulate within them, Aneros’ EVI silicone coated and anatomically correct EVI was created to be a sex toy that one vaginally holds in place by grasping the neck of the toy with the ever-increasingly strong PC muscle. The pleasing shape of EVI with a bulbous head and slender neck can be worn throughout the day, constantly reminding the wearer to do her exercises for future sexual pleasure.

Okay, so here’s something that you want to try, ladies… insert Ben Wa Balls or Duotone Balls before going to bed to do relaxing Kegel exercises. Then go to sleep with them inside and I’ll bet you that you’ll have the most crazy, erotic dreams because of them, too. Trust me on this one – it happens to me all the time.

So thanks to Dr. Arnold Kegel, E.L. James, author of “Fifty Shades of Grey,” and clever Kegel exerciser manufacturers, adult product retailers and the women of the world will never be the same. Time to hit the pleasure gym for Kegel exercises!

Okay, so as most of you know, I do product testing for XBIZ’s print edition of the mag that you can also read digitally here. Every month, a box of four goodies magically appears on my doorstep and I get to relive my Christmas morning memories, albeit now with more of an adult twist than when I was 6 years old. The toys are different and getting to ride the pony now has a whole new meaning.

When I get one of those plain, brown boxes with the XBIZ return address, my heart gets pumping and my fingers get fumbling in anticipation of what’s packed inside. I sometimes get various shapes and sizes of vibrators and other things to stick into the orifices in my nether regions. And if I’m extra lucky, on many occasions, I also get to stick them in other willing partners’ cavities and I don’t mean the ones that get filled by the dentist. Yes, sometimes I DO have to rely on the judgment of others to complete my journey for efficient and accurate reporting but hey, I have no problem with doing that.

But last month, I got one of the most intriguing products I have ever tried.

I’m not one much for ingestibles, the catch all phrase to describe products that, well, you ingest or at least put in your mouth to get them to work. This includes pills that will “drive her wild,” or numbing products so I can deep throat more easily (I find a clogged sinus much more difficult to deal with than a too-big dick and many of you probably know what I mean. The resulting slurping sounds are not that I wanna lay spit on your manhood, it just means I still have to freakin’ BREATHE). Ingestibles include the infamous Spanish Fly which we know goes straight to ones head thinking that it will work – yes, the placebo effect IS alive and well in the adult marketplace, thankyouverymuch.

So imagine my surprise when I received a product that I judged along with SexToy Dave at the XBIZ Retail Show in Burbank in January of this year. It was during the “3 Minute Show Off” interactive program where he and I and the packed audience were presented with new and innovative products in order to knock our socks off. Dave’s reaction was that ingestibles don’t really sell well and he didn’t think there was a big market for it and my response was equally incredulous… there’s no way this product could actually WORK.

I am happy to report: I was wrong.

The little packet of three Masque strips arrived in my box from XBIZ along with two vibrators and something else I can’t remember at the moment. I stared at the fancy, grey, wallet sized packet that to me screamed “Female Friendly” and “Don’t Worry What You Are REALLY Using It For – Just BUY IT!” and many other things that got my mind spinning.

Basically, what Masque Sexual Flavors do (and who came up with that name… I mean, I get the Masque part but Sexual Flavors? Sexual Flavors to usually means sweat, salt, sweet, lube, fingers, balls, snatch, and, well, since you HAD to ask, yes, cum), is mask the flavor of the aforementioned ejaculate in order to make oral sex more, um, welcoming and inviting by providing a mélange of the flavors of Strawberry, Mango, Chocolate and Watermelon with a strong but not overpowering hint of mint. And for many blowjob recipients, covering the flavor of rampant spermatozoa is just what they need in order to take a pop in the mouth.

So, I was then given the challenge to not only dissolve one of the Strawberry flavored Masque strips on my tongue, I had to test the product by finding a sperm donor pal to get some head in order for me to take one for the team.

But I still had to be convinced that the Masque strip would do the trick. When Dave and I were the judges on the XBIZ panel, my comment was that since it was formulated to mask the taste of something that one didn’t want to eat, I suggested you give a Masque strip to your kid in order for them to eat their broccoli. Now that I had my very own testing packet, I had to test it for its intended purpose. I had always believed cum was comprised of protein (at least that’s what Cosmo always tells me) so I thought that maybe if I let one dissolve on my tongue before ingesting a bite of white turkey breast (I DO go both ways, you know), it would mask the flavor of turkey. I slapped one on my tongue before chowing down (on LUNCH) and lo and behold! Nothing! Didn't neutralize the taste of turkey at all! I got to enjoy gobbling my turkey without missing out on one of my favorite flavors. Whew…

Now came the fun part (I guess that’s the past tense of cum, right?). Finding the right fuckbuddy to dump a load on the target – a dissolved Masque strip in the center of my long, silky tongue.

Yet I still had to do a little research. What is it about the taste of cum that people don’t like? I thought I would ask the people that actually produce the stuff… MEN. I started asking my guy friends if they’ve ever tasted their own spunk and I was quite surprised with the answers that stumbled into my ears.

From my own experience, it’s a rare dude that tastes his own juice, whether it’s after getting a load splooged on my body and licking it off or exchanged during a kiss… oh, that sounds sooo fluffy! During snowballing, when one exchanges a load back and forth through kissing and if THAT doesn’t confuse the thousands of lively sperm, I don’t know what does! (Where’s the goddamn EGG??? And what are those – TEETH???).

I asked several guy friends, straight and gay, and the responses were split kinda in the middle with the straight guys NEVER swallowing their own jizz and responding with a flat look when I said “So it’s a girl’s job, then?” They looked at me with a blank expression which I interpreted as “who’s else would it be?” They also responded with “That’s sooo GAY!” As for gay guys, nearly all of them said they had tasted their own and frequently still do as if that’s the way it is if you’re a gay man. Maybe the straight guys ARE right, then.

So I lassoed my friend Adam to be my test guinea pig (emphasis on the pig) and when I called him to tell him what I needed him to do in the name of product testing, he barked “YEEES!” faster than I could give him details. He was over to my place the next night.

“Okay, so you know why I’m doing this,” I reminded him. Note to girls: GUYS DON’T CARE. THEY’RE GOING TO BE GETTING A BLOW JOB.

I greeted him at the door in my customary fuckbuddy manner, much like you would welcome a friend coming over to play pinochle, except that we both knew what was in store. I sat down, he remained standing, then I yanked out his soon-to-be-throbbing wood and began working magic using my hands and mouth. He was up for the job of product tester in no time. A few minutes had passed and then I decided it was then to let the Masque Sexual Flavor strip do the deed in the center of my moist tongue.

I dropped the strip in the center of my stuck-out tongue and announced “O-ay. I aff it owyn ai hongue nwow zo you haf a waay a winnit” as I let it dissolve on my tongue while I played with his still stiff member.  Afterwards I thought that I probably should have put the strip on my oral appendage before I started to do the deed.

On viewing the dissolving test product on my outstretched tongue, he quickly announced “it’s melted!” faster than the Wicked Witch of the West exclaimed when she was diluted with water in the Wizard of Oz. And lucky for me, he was worked up and ready to go for the bullseye – the residue of the dissolved strip within my mouth.

“Hii-ya a-wayh” I uttered awkwardly, making sure my lips wouldn’t be in harm’s way to, well, totally blow the experiment. Sure enough, he dumped his load right on target along with the obligatory “uhhhh, uhhh” the way most guys express themselves when it’s time to become 10ccs lighter.

I stood up and let the freshly released spunk stay on my tongue longer than I usually do in order for the Masque to work its documented magic. I could feel the familiar texture on my tongue, then feel it slide into the back of my mouth the way that so many clams and oysters do for me in the summertime. Before I knew it, the experimental load found its way past my tonsils all the while I could taste NOTHING.

I looked at him incredulously… he probably thought I was in love with him or something but he knew I was really product testing so I’m sure that thought really never passed through his mind. He was shaking his head while having that “OMG – I can’t believe I shot off that much” look and I was looking at him with the “OMG – I can’t believe I had so much shot in AND I DIDN’T TASTE A THING.”

That Masque strip DID work to hide the flavor of his load, which came as utter shock and awe to me, the product tester who has tried zillions of products that “guarantee orgasm!” “heighten stimulation!” “gives you the best sex you’ve ever had!” and, well, “Masque’s the taste of cum!” At least I know one of the products isn’t lying.

Now for the always included Joke(s) of the Blog!

How do two lesbians ride down Route 69?

Lickety split

Where do they get virgin wool from?

Ugly sheep.

Saw this on a sticker: Making love is what my girlfriend calls it when I’m fucking her.

Time for bed and dreams of more product testing…. Ahhhh, I love my (blow) job.

Okay, many of you know I have been in this wacky business for almost 20 years, opening my retail store Grand Opening! in Brookline, MA, right next to Boston (a mile from Fenway Park), in November 1993. I left my job at Harvard to sell rubber dicks to girls. No kidding. Anyway, one of the main reasons why I opened my store was because the choices I had of toys and the places to buy them was woefully inadequate.

I really started out as a sex toy aficionado when I met Smut Hound in 1987 after I was married for 7 1/2 years to a non-adventurous guy. zzzzz... Smut Hound turned me on to everything sex, which was, and continues to be, a HUGE passion of mine. It ceaselessly gives me pleasure in the purest sense of the word.

One of those many pleasures I have is to be an official sex toy reviewer for the print version of XBIZ (writing this here blog is another big one, too). I get a box of four (usually) every month on my doorstep of the latest and greatest recently released gizmos from companies big and small. It's like Christmas for perverts. Some of the toys are one-offs, meaning I have never seen the toy before (and sometimes realize why), some are from well-established brands, some are brilliant, and some, well, I can use them better as doggie chew toys. "Come here, Skippy! Mommy has a present for you!"

Imagine my surprise this month when I got a box of four toys and NONE of them looked like a penis. Not in any way, shape, or form. No tapered, tilted coronal ridge, no fake ejaculation slit at the end (as if a dildo could really squirt - oh wait, there are some that do), no fake balls for me to play with, nothing. Nada. None.

And then it hit me. Gosh, how far we have come from the days of only phallic shaped toys that either vibrated or didn't and my guess that is all within my lifetime in the adult industry. Come to think of it... twenty years. For sociologists and demographic bean counters, that's considered a generation and maybe I shouldn't be surprised after all.

I think the biggest advancement in sex toys has not so much been the toys themselves, that's certainly a HUGE factor, it's this plain and simple fact: women are now probably the biggest buyers of sex toys. Think about it: sure, there might not be that many women in the local sex toy store when you walk in but there's a world's worth of them out on the internet, trawling around, finding the best deals on Rabbits, BDSM toys, anal plugs, strap ons to use on their partner's willing buttholes, the list goes on and on. And we can't forget the giganterous and undeniable revenue stream that home parties generate. Unless you're in the adult toy industry and know the home party industry, you have no idea how big it really is. It's like the quiet giant lurking in the room and there's hundreds of thousands of women cranking out these parties and selling stuff to discreetly be delivered (but that's another blog). It's big and I'm sure you know someone who has been to one if you haven't already been to one.

I've also seen the change in the shift in packaging. Twenty years ago, fakely boobed women were begging their horny male buyers to "make me cum with this vibrator" so the guys would buy one just because of the chick on the box to bring home to their unsuspecting mate to put it in hers. Sure, there's still packaging out there like this but as for naked women, they're certainly on fewer and fewer boxes than ever before.

The colors twenty years ago were pretty limited - sure there was pink (which is still the most popular color), and a few other colors here and there. Latex was still commonly used for toys which has pretty much been discontinued due to it's messiness in manufacturing and general stinkiness. And due to the fact that there are many more higher quality materials for sex toys these days, most notably, silicone, which has crept into all aspects of sex toys including men's toys and just about everything else for that matter. On the less expensive, raw materials side, there's TPR (thermo plastic rubber), a variation of rubber that doesn't have any smell to it. The luscious coating on many toys is TPE which is thermo plastic elastomer, also not stinky (the materials seem to be somewhat changeable so sometimes the toys are made of TPE and sometimes TPR. Don't ask me for the specifics between the two - I'm not a chemist - just a lowly product tester, retailer, designer, writer, consultant, etc., you know....).

And lest we forget about the shapes. There's leaves, berries, octopi, rabbits (natch), dolphins that spin, balls in every imaginative size that rattle and shake, slender, sweeping arcs of pleasure that vibrate and twist, ripples, ridges in glass and metal. Objects that look like three dimensional brush strokes designed to give women pleasure without even thinking something has to look like a penis to get us off. It's not that we don't love penises, we just that we like to have a choice in the matter.

So, I had better get back to reviewing those toys. I mean, I've already sent in my reviews but I think I need to take them out for another test drive... Vroooooommmmm.....

JOTB:

So one time, two eight year old boys are talking. One says to the other "I went to the doctor yesterday and he said I have to get circumsized."  "OH MY GOD!" the other boy gasped. "I was circumsized as a baby, and I couldn't walk for a YEAR!"

Two guys are talking and one says to the other "Hey, I got a vasectomy the other day." "Really?" says the other guy. "Where did you get that done?" "Sears" the first guy says. "So, how's that workin' out?" asks the second. The first guy responds "Not bad but every time I get a hard on, the garage door opens."

So, it's been a while since I've checked in - I think I've been busy doing too much product testing and enjoying my summer. And you?

Getting back to ANME, which for many of us was chock full of busy-ness (and business), new product roll outs, new faces in the industry, and many other things that keep the Ben Wa balls rolling... now it's time to get back to work!

In the words of the ever-popular (and super great guy, Larry Garland from the fabulous company, El Dorado Trading), "Welcome to 50 Shades of ANME!" And how true that was! Where do I start?

First of all, there were several companies riding the bandwagon of Anastasia and Christopher Grey, the main characters of the ubiquitous "Fifty Shades of Grey" trilogy who will also be contributing greatly to retailer's bottom line (as red-spanked as it may be). The winner of the race to the top, and who were already there given their ability to create couples-friendly SM gear to begin with, was our pals at Sportsheets. "OMG!" she uttered around her carefully placed ball gag. "The Sportsheets' 'Sex & Mischief' line has 50 Shades written all over it!" First of all, they take the prize for coming up with offering the silky grey tie as featured on the cover of the book, with a nifty Sex & Mischief tie holder on the back. Niiiiice touch. Their product offerings in the S&M line continued with sleek packaging in black and white, smart retail-able products, all at a really great price. If you're not already carrying this line of products (and all of Sportsheets for that matter), you must ride the wave of these best selling books and sell these products to the hilt. Do that or Christopher Grey will personally visit your store and beat you into retail submission.

Another nice touch was the fabulous sales staff at Sportsheets who were also gracing lucky visitors to the booth with necklaces that had the S&M letters spelled out in crystals that they ceremoniously draped around your neck. I was lucky to receive one and enjoy wearing it in public. I tell people it stands for "Santa and Monica" and if you say it fast enough, they don't even notice but then I quickly point out what it REALLY stands for. Yum.

Of course, Pipedream Products' Fetish Fantasy line continues to grow at a breakneck speed. They, too, have packaged several of their products with the familiar 50 Shades theme but I think they have enough products that stand up quite successfully on their own. The crowning achievement by Pipedream has been coming up with several smaller and complete catalogues which make looking for products much easier than a large, cumbersome catalogue. Nice job, art department at PD! And the products are great to boot, too...

All of the rest of the ANME Founders had plenty to show off, too. Nasstoys wowed me with their new remote controlled vibes that have a simple, onyx-looking controller that can be worn in public very easily by both men and women... it really looks like jewelry!  It's called the Power Ring and it controls both a small, bullet vibe or a stretchy cock ring with a bullet through the top. It always amazes me how far technology has come in the way of remote control gizmos. They're incredibly fun to use in public or when you're getting to the good parts in a movie that you're watching in a theater or going to dinner and ordering your partner's favorite appy... I mean, why just use a remote control in the sack?

Anyway, I digress. These vibes are strong and quiet and are really cool so get a lot of them in... they'll sell really well. Here's a retailing tip for remote control vibes... set one up in your store but keep the remote behind your register. When a customer starts looking at it, hit the remote and it will start buzzing for them. They'll have no idea how that's happening. Then, as they walk away, hit it again... it's a great game you can play with them and I guarantee you'll sell more!

Cal Exotics promoted their new Phil Varone line of toys and he was there for most of the show. Of course, Cal always has the latest and greatest products including a few in their separate division, Jopen, nice, high quality toys that have been selling very well. Their booth is always pristine (Jackie) White, too! Clean and crisp to highlight their wonderful products.

Doc Johnson weighed in with more of their Wonderland line of whimsical toys, complete with a cute cut out of three of them that you could put your face in and morph into a giant vibrator! THAT was fun! They have updated lots of their packaging for their products and have continued to rock on with their School of Doc sales training program (it's brilliant and if you haven't checked it out yet, please do). New shapes, new vibes, new packaging - it's what you do to stay ahead and DJ has done that again.

To round out the ANME Founders, I must say that I was completely blown away with the new and improved Topco line of toys. They recently had some shake ups which has resulted in offering a mind-boggling amount of new toys and lines that are complete with some of the most creative packaging designs this side of the Pacific. I was speechless as I circled the shelves and displays full of the most colorful and creative toys I have seen in a long time. The picture that accompanies this blog is what they created on one side of their booth and the many displays they had with the products on the shelves left me in awe. I can't wait as these products roll out in stores as they are destined to shake up the industry like they never have before.

So of course, there were TONS of new products at ANME and I'll continue to write about them more. In the meantime, I invite you to check out my monthly reviews in the print version of XBIZ where I blab about individual toys in the way only I can. I swear, I love my job!

Okay, here's a few JOTBs because I've missed you so much...

In keeping with the 50 Shades of Grey theme...

1. Once a submissive was asked why she likes being with a masochist...  "Beats me" she replied.

2. Once a street hooker approached a guy and said "Why don't we get it on?" "Oh, no!" he countered. "My Mom said women always have teeth between their legs!" "WHAT?" the hooker responded. "That's not true!" and she continued to talk to him until he finally gave in to have sex.

Afterwards, she said "See, women don't have teeth between their legs..." and he said "It's no wonder with your gums the shape they're in!"

Tell that to your dental hygienist next visit...

Okay, I'm happy to be slappin' in a post that's got the latest and the greatest in it... so far!

Yesterday I had the pleasure of attending ANME in Burbank to check out the latest in sex toys and other pleasure products that go in your body or on it. As many of you may know, the show is basically divided into two main showrooms with exhibitors also displaying in booths in the hall around the main convention room. I find it easy to separate them by visiting one room, one day then taking the other day to visit the other. It takes me that long because I dig into what exhibitors have to offer, take notes, learn a lot about trends and technologies, and of course, schmooze my ass off.

So I visited the small room and this is what I discovered... lots of cool things! (And I didn't get to see everyone, either, so more later!).

From Vibratex is the latest addition to their Fresh series, a nifty little vibe called the Tulip. It's a small, thumb sized Tulip shaped vibe (natch) that, well, where do I start? First of all, it's silicone so the texture is clean and pure. It's battery powered and waterproof and has an incredible flexible neck to get to those REALLY hard to reach places. The vibrator is actually a small (think pinky sized) bullet that's nestled in the middle of the soft silicone tulip petals so the vibe can be used directly on the clit or thru the petals for those gals who might bet a little jumpy with a directly-applied clitoral vibe (yes, they're out there). Now this is where it gets really good: by pressing an easy-to-use, 6 variable speeds and pulses button controller, it not only changes the vibe BUT it lights up a pulse-coordinated light in the flexible center so you get a THRILLING matching light show, too! It's a winner and the MSRP is under thirty smackers! Get it!

XR LLC displayed their latest wares in a new, walk thru booth that was inviting and enticing. Randy, the product developing poobah there, gave me a detailed tour as they have many new products that they are happy to share with pervs like me. They've introduced over 100 SKUs in their "Strictly Leather" series with some serious play leather products when you want to up your "Fifty Shades of Grey" and offer the next 51, 52, 53... you get the idea. There are lovely pink, blue, purple and black (natch) heavy duty restraints that are sure to thrill those kinkster customers of yours. Since XR LLC has been in the kink world for over 10 years, they know what they're doing.

But I think the hit of their booth, and what I REALLY loved at the show, was their daring and breath taking Metal Fist. Just when you've thought you've seen everything in this wacky world, you come across a metal fist. Yes, that's it in the picture... It weighs as much as an Oscar award (I've actually had the honor of holding one), and when I picked it up, I was immediately overtaken by exclaiming "I'd like to thank the Fisting Academy" as if one really exists (it should).

Well, there's lots more to write about, fill you in on, and all the other good stuff.  I am posting this the morning of the 2nd day of the show and I need to get my willing butt there to see what's gonna get me frisky once more.  Stay tuned!

JOTB:

In keeping with the previous post...

Once a guy goes to a whorehouse and knocks on the door. A small window opens and a woman says "Yeah, what do you want?" The guy responds "I wanna get fucked." "Sure," she replies. "Slip 50 bucks under the door." He reaches down and slides a 50 under the door.

Then he waits. After a few minutes, he knocks on the door and says "Hey! I wanna get fucked!"

Through the door, the woman replies "AGAIN?!?"

It’s the middle of July and you know what that means? The All Star Game! Whoops, already happened and the National League spanked the American League again so that means the National League takes home field advantage for the World Series (and you thought you’d only learn about sex toys on this blog!).

Truth be told, it’s one of my favorite months because now, not only can I enjoy riding my motorcycle again (that pesky cast came off June 4 so I’m back to riding and not having  to fret about my sexual encounters, too), but I can also go this weekend to the always highly anticipated ANME Show in sunny Burbank, CA.

By now, you should all be familiar with ANME, what it stands for and why it exists. If not, do yourself a favor and scroll down to a few of my blogs and read about the show. It’s basically the adult toy industry’s Oscars, equivalent to Broadway’s Tonys, and well, the Olympics for sex
gizmos and gadgets like you’ve never seen before…

Let the games begin!

It all kicks off tonight with a cocktail party to see new faces, old faces, who’s where doing what, and all the other things that makes this business go zoom. I never miss it.

Tonight’s the party and tomorrow is when everyone gets to work, showing off the fruits of their labor, the culmination of countless hours to make their product the NEXT. BIG. THING. It’s pretty damn exciting, that’s for sure.

And what will that be? Remote control toys seem to be gaining more and more ground. Lubricants tend to be trending towards the natural, fewer ingredients angle; demographics are going for a younger crowd and one cannot underestimate the impact in the adult industry of that pesky but bottom line fattening trilogy of old fashioned books, “Fifty Shades of Grey.” I only wished I wrote it…

So think of this as the first installment of what’s new and exciting at the show as I’ll add to this blog as I come across that magic gizmo that will make the world a better place, that special lubricant that will make me slip into never never land, that toy that will bring me a lifetime of incessant pleasure… and they’ll all be at ANME.

See ya there….

QJOTB  (quick joke of the blog)

A guy went to a whorehouse for some action. He got a room on the 3rd floor and the guy said to his girl "There's a position I want to try."  He had her stand naked in front of the window and he stood naked on the other side of the room. The all of a sudden, he ran towards her with his bobbing hard on, he lost his balance and the two of them went crashing through the window and landed on the street, dead.

A drunk was sitting near where they landed, took a look, then stumbled to the front door of the whorehouse. The Madam said "Sorry, we don't have any girls for you." He said "Hey lady, I don't want one. I just want to tell you your sign fell down."

Off to ANME!

Here I am - now among the ranks of the (temporarily) disabled community.  I banked into a wall during a workout and tried to break my fall with my left wrist which resulted in, well, breaking my left wrist.  Getting thrust into this realm makes me think about using sex toys when you're unable to fully grasp them, never mind successfully using personal lubricant without having it dribble into my cast. Hmmm... gives me pause and makes me think about the people that have permanent disabilities and how they can successfully and pleasurably use the gizmos in our crazy business.

Looking at my website, which is chock full of pretty much anything you could ever want and need, I am now thinking about what vibrator has a cap at the base that I can twist with one hand (I have no gripping ability), what lube doesn't have a silvery, stuck on seal that I can't grasp, have lingerie I can slip in because even though I have a wad of fiberglas encircling my forearm that twirls down to the top of my knuckles, sometimes I still wanna feel sexy.  And of course, there's the other things I love to do, cast be damned!

So let's see... in order to feel sexy, I might just light up one of those super sensuous massage candles available.  You know, the ones made with soy oil that burn at a low temperature which allows me to dribble the oil all over my willing partner. Let's see... oh look! They have a kind of pop top cap that MAYBE I can take off with one hand but they also have a plastic seal around the edge which does make it a little trickier to open, if at all.  How about a pull off ring on the top so I can manage it with one hand? It might look a little cheesy but I'm <temporarily> disabled, you know. Hallelujah! Here's the BSwish massage candle in a very sexy, open container that I can not only light easily but can grasp pretty easily, too, perhaps even with my casted arm. 

Now about that lighter I need to light the candle. I think I'd either burn the house down or cause third degree burns if I tried to handle a lighter or matches right now. I think I'll use my long charcoal bar-be-que lighter that I can easily wrangle with one hand that throws flames further than my almost-casted fingers.

On to the lingerie... since I can't use something with long sleeves because it would probably snag at my elbow, how about slipping into something sexy with no zippers, buttons, snaps or eyelets that I have found are virtually impossible to use right now?  Let's see... Here's a long schmata although the picture doesn't show me what the back of it looks like.. hopefully it won't have those aforementioned clothing closings which cause me so much temporary grief.  And fortunately, I can shimmy into (and out of) that G string...

Okay, so the soy candle is lit, the lingerie is on (and it fits over my cast!  Woohoo! It amazes me about what gets me excited now!), and now it's time for the pleasure of toys... let's see what I grab.

First, I always start with lube which I have always said and will always say, is the numero uno sex toy that everyone should have and use, disability be damned!  So let's look at some...

You know the caps that lots of lube companies use? The caps can sometimes be easy to flip open with one hand which is extra nice when you're doing something else with your hand, but about that pesky foil seal. Now I know that companies use them to ensure purity for the product inside, which is understandable but when you aren't able to grasp the teeny tiny foil tabbie things on the seal, well, you're SOL. What to do? Simple! Grab a pump bottle of lube instead! The pump assures you there will be no obstacle-inducing foil seals inside. The pumps go all the way to the bottom of the bottle so if I happen to tip the bottle in a wacky angle, it will probably work just fine. Thank goodness I already have this life-saving bottle of I-D lube at the ready. Pump size, natch.

As for toys, if it's a solo flight, a dildo is a pretty safe bet. Easy to grab and hold on to, there are more dildos out there than I can shake a vagina at. Glass, silicone, or metal, they'll always do the trick without leaving me frustrated that I can't put batteries in the shaft 'cuz for the most part, they ain't made to do so.

Well, let's say I want to visit vibrator land... there's always the trusty silver bullet vibe and the standard one with the attached battery case cover, you know, the ones that take 2 AA batteries, that will let me open it with one hand. Never gave it much thought but now I sure do. The Ultra Bullet Power Vibe from Nasstoys is long enough to use on the outside or slip into the inside... just they way, uh huh uh huh, I like it...

Now if I want to use something other than the silver bullet, that might be a little trickier. The Evolved rolling speed control on their Roulette collection of vibrators might be easy to use in my frisky, disabled moments. Looking at the videos which accompany many of the products on many adult products websites, it shows me how to put the batteries in which helps me determine what I would need to do in order to successfully grasp the willing silicone vibe. Hmmm. Looks like I'd have to shove the shaft near my armpit to give it my newly learned upper bicep death grip which is what I use to open mayonnaise jars right now. If I can handle a 30 oz., 4 inch wide jar of Helman's Light Mayo, a silicone vibe should be no problem. And the rolling speed control on the base will eliminate any twisting of my only other functional wrist and I'll be careful not to use Helman's as my lube.

Yes, I'm sure you're all wondering about the other popular vibe out there. I know I can always grab the trusty Hitachi Magic Wand but if it slips away from my single, right handed grasp and falls onto my hardened left forearm, that could be a little ouchy, resulting in a quick sucking down of a Vicodin. Better leave the Hitachi to massage my aching shoulders instead.

Okay, enough about me. How about you, my dear lovers? I mean, what better way to increase blood circulation into my ailing appendage than to take things into my own hands and have some fun, mano a mano sexual relations?

Well, being Trysexual ("I'll try anything sexual"), there might be times I'm with a male buddy and want to do the ol' hand jive. But wait! Sliding up and down with a wad of fiberglas in my fist is not my definition of a good time and most likely not his either! What to do? I think it's time to use one of those hand-y hand job assistants, pocket pussies as they were, and use that with the assistance of my right hand and loose lips. A lightweight one would decrease the risk of creating muscle weakness in my one strong wrist so I better go with the Nasswalk Better Than Real Skin Pussy - Jessica (I'll rename it Kim) because the Fleshlight is a tad bulky right now and I can't crack open the Tenga Egg with a cast. Maybe smash it but it would wreck the feng shui of the moment.

Now, if it's someone that delights in the sensation of being on the receiving end, aka pegging and those sorts of things, the easiest harness to use when you're the one handed wonder is the ever-popular RodeoH harness, a simple to use, shimmy into pair of tighty whiteys that happen to have an easy-to-access harness ring built into the front. This makes for no pesky straps that I'd have to loop around a doorknob to tighten before the action starts. That would NOT be a pretty sight nor would I consider it foreplay (although some people I know would). All I need to do is pop an aforementioned dildo in place and presto! Cast be damned! I'm having a good time!

And you know what? I decided I am no longer telling people I crashed into a wall during a workout. It just doesn't sound sexy enough so when people ask how I broke my wrist, I'm going to tell them I did it masturbating.

Ah yes, if only it were true.

JOTB:

If a stork brings white babies and a blackbird brings black babies, what bird brings NO babies?
A swallow.

Once a manager in a company had to let go of one of his employees, either Jack or Mary. He couldn't decide who so he thought he would wait to see who would go up to the water cooler first.

He waited, then Mary went up to the water cooler to take two aspirin. He went up to Mary and said "Mary, I have a problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." She looked at him and said "You better jack off. I have a headache."

Whew whee!  It's been a while since I last logged in and you've probably been wondering "Where has Kim been? Has she run out of JOTBs?" Well, the good news is that I have NOT fallen off my motorcycle, The Big Vibe, and that I have been really busy with all things sex, GrandOpening.com and if you're reading this, probably the same goes for you! I mean, February 14th is always the big jackpot day in our business - Valentine's Day - and I hope yours was filled with love and lots of sales!

So where do I start? New Year's 2012 rang in and right now, the winter snows are being held at bay this year. Good news for sex toy shoppers, bad news for ski resorts, though. So let's start out at the beginning of the year...

The weekend of January 7 and 8 in Burbank, CA kicked off with the ANME Founder's Show (aka just the "The Founder's Show") where there was plenty of free flowing booze the night before the heavy buying action took place on Saturday for the qualified retail buyers in attendance. It's such a pleasure to schmooze with everyone, catch up on the "who's working for who" industry shuffle (always entertaining to keep track of), learn hints about what's going to be unveiled 12 short hours later when the show opens. I really love this industry - we all get along even though we are all competitors in the same business. 

The show opened bright and early Saturday with a few new faces and companies as well as the ol' stalwarts who have been doing the show for years. There were new technologies presented (Can you say "QR codes"?), new products (more on that in a minute) and a few new faces, too.

Let's go into more detail...

The ANME Founders: California Exotic Novelties, Doc Johnson, Nasstoys, Pipedream Products and Topco had some of the largest booths as they always do. Cal introduced several new toys in beautiful packaging and continued with heavy marketing for their high end Jopen line featuring the whiz-bang electro-stim "Intensity" vibe. Doc Johnson presented really intelligent staff training tools including poured, sample mini penises that are made of the different materials that Doc uses for their goodies as well as PLENTY of written material that can be shared with staff. Attention Bricks and Mortar folks: My two bits on this training program which is called "School of Doc" - USE IT FREQUENTLY to train your staff about these materials with knowledge that can be applied to pretty much every toy available in your store. The material is smart, funny, and extremely useful since the printed matter are basically giveaways for your staff and customers. If you can't get these important training materials from your distributor, get in touch with Doc Johnson themself and they'll probably be happy to supply you with them. 

Back to the show: Topco presented technology and social media meets sex toys with popular webcam chicks getting masturbators made of their privates (more on this later in the blog). Nasstoys continued to roll out reasonably priced, nicely designed and quiet toys. Pipedream kicked out even more stylish packaging in all of their categories and rolled out their much anticipated and long overdue Plan-O-Gram program.

There were, of course, lots of other really cool products and companies represented at the show. NS Novelties, spearheaded by the New Sensations DVD company, unveiled over 100 new products, some of them familiar and some of them sporting creative designs. Standard Innovation, the folks who brought you the We-Vibe and many other fine products, have upped their game with the new, remote controlled We-Vibe that can be worn when one goes out grocery shopping and no one will ever know. Need to walk right past the Haagen-Dazs section of the freezer? Simply slip this on and in, hit the variable speed remote control and voila! You have experienced pleasure without calories, my friend!  Paradise Marketing and Trojan wowed the crowd with the new Midnight Collection vibes that twist in the middle and are in an undescribable deep purple color, never mind that they are being promoted with a pretty cool, 3D postcard. Nice touch... bring 'em into your store and watch the customers' eyes widen when they see the Trojan brand on sex toys...

OhMiBod presented many new products which, while being publicly displayed for the first time, are not yet on the market. Of course, yours truly managed to snag some of them so I'll report on them as soon as they are out there... hint: they're being promoted by Kandi Buress of "The Real Wives of Atlanta" and they're super nice and classy...

So after two days of the ANME Show, our own XBIZ Retail Expo took over with different companies and distributors taking part. RodeoH was there, SCB Distributors (great, classy, explicit and HOT books that are hard to find) and a few new sparkling companies selling their wares to even more buyers.

As always, the XBIZ Retail Show had several workshops that focused on retailer's needs and the highlight, I must say, was the "3 Minute Showoffs" which proved not only entertaining, but extremely interesting. I was one of two judges (the other being "Sex Toy" Dave) and we were able to dish products "American Idol" style, after the products' manufacturers tried to wow us over with a, you guessed it, 3 minute show off. The competition was fierce, there were some great products shown, some that were yawners (I personally think there are enough glass dildos out there, folks), and a few WTF items which, who knows, might become your best sellers... ya never know.

The top winner was Topco who, in my own opinion, is cleverly moving forward with QR technology, webcam starlets' popularity, and other cutting edge technologies and meshing them with, well, rubber dicks, squishy vaginas, porno, blogs, websites and other creations that will bring in a fresh demographic wanting to by products that have been around for years. Brilliant.

Second place went to RodeoH, the new and clever dildo harness that fits like tightey whiteys. The audience loved the presentation and I think they are the coolest thing on the market since, well, the dildo harness was invented.

Third place went to Jopen's Intensity vibe which I think has a bigger audience in the kink community than in the medical one. Don't ask me why I think that  :)

Okay, so from Burbank to LA and AVN's Adult Entertainment Expo, which was squeezed into The Hard Rock Hotel. It was a mix of new manufacturers and buyers and I often felt that it blurred the line of adult industry buyers and fans, kinda like the old days in the Sands Convention Center before the B2B section was developed and promoted. I saw a few new things there and had a good time schmoozing, as always.

And then there was Valentine's Day. How was it for you? It's always the time to have your store well stocked, your website up to date, your products ready to roll.  Hopefully, your store has recovered and continues with strong sales this month and through the spring.

So be on the lookout for the next blog which I promise will be cranked out hot and fast... just like I like 'em.

And now for the JOTB:

Once an old man was brought to a nursing home to live out his final days. The first night he was there, he sat despondently on the edge of his bed and in walked a beautiful, buxom blonde who exclaimed "I'm your Hospitality Hostess and I'm here for Super Sex!"

After a moment, the old man gazed up at her with his tired eyes and sighed "I'll take soup."