The other day I was dining at a trendy Hollywood eatery when a starlet I had reviewed in a porn film approached me with venom and malice.

"I don't understand half the things you write," she said.

"What about the other half?" I asked.

"I think that's dumb, too." I had accused her of appearing zombie-like in a movie that had no zombie budget.

"What are you eating - veal?" she asked. She's a vegetarian.

"Yes," I said, "but my food wasn't sent to you by your publicist for me to review."

She turned to get her order. She was wearing Juicy sweatpants over which peaked the top of her thong, just above a - you guessed it - coccygeal butterfly tattoo.

"You guys should try getting a cock in your ass some time," Thongtop Juicypants said.

"I will discuss it with my rabbi," I said.

Freud's five stages of psychosexual development (oral, anal, phallic, latency, genital) are well-represented in the porn industry. Many people wonder about latency, the period in which Freud says sexual feelings are repressed in order for people to focus on other areas of development, but I find that most titles by certain high-end couples' directors make my testicles recede, so that's covered.

Anyway, perhaps in a metaphorical gesture to go back to its, er, roots, the embattled Metro is returning to Stage One for a good old fashioned blowjob movie. In Your Face stars Tory Lane, Hailey Paige, Jenaveve Jolie, Brooke Haven, Chase Chandler, Staci Thorn, Gia Jordan, Nadia Nyce, Austin Kincaid, and Crissy Cums

When the Ponantes came over on the Mayflower, they thought they had quit a land of inequality where status was based not on merit but on inherited titles. To my horror, our past has followed us here.

Lady Finger Clit-Stimulator and her husband, Lord Brambles Clit-Stimulator were horrible, almost feudal landowners who worked my ancestors like dogs. Why Doc Johnson chooses to hurl those ghosts at me via their new toy for lonely women is beyond me.

To all the gals who read this site, it is important to know that if you buy this product, you will be placing a deep, massaging oppression on your vulva.

Tia Brodie, the red-haired Brit who showed America how to love again, writes from London, where she makes an accounting of faithless flatmates, buggers who want to nick her motor, and posing at the top of some apples and pears.

"I should be in San Francisco mid-September and maybe returning to the Valley for a visit shortly after. Am unsure as to how long I will stay but I am so tired with England and miss everyone in LA terribly - I feel like I belong in LA; there is nothing here for me in England anymore.

"Anyway, give my love to everyone...I think of you all on a Tuesday because I miss the karaoke!"

As LA is at GMT-8, Tia is becoming morose about karaoke somewhere around elevenses.

On the set of Neu Wave Hookers, I said, "You have severe moral objections to this script."

(Felix Vicious and Justine Joli did not have their publicists pay me mounds of cash to say that, by the way. I just think any photo opportunity that results in gratuitous displays of parts deserves approval. I also laud them for not deploying the double middle fingers or digit biting.)

David Aaron Clark sent along this trailer for Asian Mouth Club 3, despite repeatedly rejecting my own membership application based on race and gender.

"But my father owns a railroad as well as the fanciest hotel in town," I said.

"No dice," Clark replied, not a lefty at all, really.

Clark knows what he's doing, so I'm sure he won't be offended whern I say the off-camera voice in AMC3 sounds downright creepy as it interviews starlets like Destiny (pictured) and Taya Cruz; like the voice you might hear in an unfamiliar bus station frequented by runaways at 3 a.m. or, perhaps, emanating from a storm drain in the asian porn version of Stephen King's It.

Unlike my tuna, Asian Mouth Club 3 is proudly dolphin and tentacle-free.

---- David Aaron Clark writes, having drunk himself blind to the sound of old T. Rex:

"This edition of AMC is the result of my unhealthy inclinations towards Japanese schoolgirl culture, Nabokov, & the visual aesthetics of John Leslie & softcore photographer David Hamilton. The April/September encounters are genial & easygoing but with a creepy edge: sort of like that bachelor uncle with the really nifty rare book collection that your mom would shit if she knew he was letting you look at them. The young ladies are given full license to be the witty little brats they are & tease "Mr. Hentai" mercilessly. It's kind of like what Max Hardcore might be like if he had gotten along with his mom.

I might note to the astrologically inclined that two out of three of the cast -- Taya & Kina -- are Virgos, as am I (born recently, in fact -- same day as Marc Bolan), so those seductions are particularly deadpan & mordant.

Darn, I didn't do a very good hype job, did I? Let me try again:

THREE SASSY TEEN SCHOOLGIRL BITCHES GET THEIR CUM-UPPANCE WHEN THEY'RE TRICKED INTO SERVICING A DIRTY OLD MAN'S PERVERTED DESIRES IN WAYS THEY NEVER IMAGINED, STRETCHING THEIR EDUCATION -- & THEIR POPPIN' FRESH YOUNG PUSSIES & MOUTHS -- TO THE BREAKING POINT!

Did I mention it's all shot by natural light? David Hamilton. John Leslie.

John Leslie.

David Aaron Clark likes to rock now. Yes he does.

The experience of sitting in a dark theatre and watching a porn movie beside a man twenty years my senior (as I did last night, watching Pirates with Tod-Hunter) took me back, Miniver Cheevy-like, to a wondered-at time in which I might have been picked up in 1970s Times Square and taken to Deep Throat with the promise of a free meal.

Not that Tod behaved in an ungentlemanly fashion.

I'll have a full review on Friday, but Pirates succeeds when it doesn't take itself seriously, which is often. Evan Stone and Steven St. Croix are hilarious, with St. Croix taking some serious risks in one particular scene. Tommy Gunn and Janine, alas, don't seem to be having as much fun in their "straight" roles as pirates, but at least Janine gets to put 20 percent of a lit candelabra into Jesse Jane's most wonderful places.

"Watching myself up there was pretty surreal," Janine said. "I was dreading it until it started."

In a movie full of fun quotes (Evan Stone ad-libs "This is not a happy cave," at one point), Janine's command to Tommy Gunn, "Now Lick it," is the standout.

Oh my God, but those candles.

"I don't really do anything anal," Jesse said, "but we got those candles in there and people were like, 'is that in her ass?'"

Jesse also revealed that she was Carmen Luvana's stunt double when Carmen's character got pushed off the boat. Not that Carmen was a wimp. For their scene together, Jesse and Carmen confabbed earlier.

"We always wanted to work together, but we couldn't because we were in different companies. But when Pirates came through, I said, 'I don't want a pussy girl/girl scene like everybody else does.' and she was like, 'Bitch, I don't want one either,' and then we just started slapping each other around.

"And Janine and I almost broke the set. There was a lot more shot than was in the movie, and we pretty much got all sweaty and had to hold each other up."

Pirates drops anchor in some awkward dialogue sequences and, unfortunately, the effects. The score, provided by SkinMusik, is several steps above your average porn soundtrack, however.

Jesse and Carmen are hitting the road, to be joined by Janine in several cities, starting this week. They won't stop until around Thanksgiving, after which Jesse will begin filming Island Fever 4 with myself as the bookish boat captain.

With the Free Speech Coalition's announcement that the possibly-underage person the FBI has been asking about used the name Seduction and may have also used the name Chantae in adult film performances, lists of titles featuring actresses named Seduction, some of which were produced nine years ago, have surfaced on parts of the web frequented by those interested in news from the adult entertainment industry.

This is not one of those sites. My readers are chiefly concerned with Civil War battle reenactments and artist renderings of Clara Barton salving folds.

The artist known as Seduction may have been born with the name Mieke Michele Jackson, and what is apparent from the various lists is that there have been several adult performers who thought "Seduction" was a good nom de porn.

That is why, more than ever, the Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (ICANN) needs to control porn star aliases so poor Tom Hymes isn't chained to his desk in the shadow of the North Hollywood Rite Aid. While there can only be one legal Jenna Jameson, porn stars of lower status end up fighting for a dwindling allotment of names. Here are some names that have not yet been taken, which I am auctioning off:

Blubberzz

Nyarlathothep

Masturbatrix

Brittney Boinkk

Krakken

Ronnie James Dildo

THX1138

The USS Lexington

Vulvalique D'Oreo

Vaginalia von Mumberbleeps

Gonorrhea Perlman

Barring federal oversight, I think the porn community should appoint a Council of Elders who would approve names submitted by potential talent and agents. This council should get free pizza and be allotted a stipend by Adult Industry Medical.

To this council I nominate Bill Margold, Roy Karch, Jay Moyes, and, because other parts of the country are so little represented in the decision-making process and because he has been particularly recognition-seeking the past few days, Mike South.

... or, as I call it, "breakfast." Defiance Films just released the first of its P.O.V. handjobs titles. Directed by Vincent Voss, it is called P.O.V. Handjobs Title. "P.O.V. Handjobs is a cock-rubbing fuckfest," explains Defiance Films, calling from its cellphone as it neared Parkway Calabasas. "Bobbi Blair, Kelly Kline, Tyla Wynn, Harmony, Hailey Page, Tiffany Taylor, Kat, Austin Kincaide, Jordan Styles, and Jay Starr will make you want to sit back, relax and enjoy a good stroking as the hottest dick grabbers do their thing, all while staring directly into your eyes." A Defiance functionary confirms that Jay Starr is a guy, but would not say if he is the stunt cock or not. Let's hope it's not a dialogue scene. Nothing ruins a good handjob more than talking about it.

I understand that David Mamet wrote an early draft of VCA Excessive's Fuck My Face, directed by Mr. Pete and featuring "Missy Monrow" and, OMG, Dillan Lauren going for the burrito.

"Fuck my face."

"No, you fuck my face."

"My face - "

"I know about your face. What I'm saying - "

"What I'm saying is: Your face."

"My face? You fuck. Fuck my face. You - "

"You fuck my face."

"It's my face getting fucked here."

"I see that cock in your face. I see that - "

"There's a cock in my face, you fuck. A cock. A cock in. A cock in my - "

"Shut your fucking face. Shut your face of the fucking going on inside it. Your face."

"I love you."

"Fuck my face."