Like you, I believe that this recent wave of fires is God's Wrath on the adult industry.

I say we make the most of it and really create some edgy, thought-provoking product rather than this watered down Extreme Associates and Max Hardcore shit and that tapwater from Germany. Those guys should be on VH-1, for crying out loud.

A loyal GramPonante.com operative took this picture in your warehouse, so it's time you started cranking out some porn that makes people stand up and take notice before we get on The Seymore Butts Party Bus, destination: Hell.

According to sources, Joanna's tattoo is a mural of sorts, starting with me fighting demons in her pubic area and radiating outward to depict my recent trip to Lake Arrowhead, where I fought more demons.

As any fan of adult entertainment knows, the Roman Empire ended in A.D. 476. At its height the Empire included what would later be known to us as Germany and Spain. It is only in this context that Audrey Hollander can be considered a Latina.

As Jason Sechrest will be the first to tell you, there was a huge scandal when Englishman Jonathan Pryce was cast as the Eurasian Engineer in Miss Saigon. I can only imagine the uproar in the porn barrios of Sylmar and Reseda now that Audrey Hollander has been cast in Metro/FusXion's Sassy Latinas, along with Kat, Brody, Vanessa Lane, Deja Daire, and Vanilla Skye.

This joint was directed by Bridgette Kerkove, who can stick a chopstick in her ass for every Holy Roman Emperor. "I call my taint 'Byzantium,'" she did not say.

Allrighty.

Lethal Hardcore's Black Bros Bangin' White Ho's 3 has Welsh lassie Sophie Dee in it (though we see Phoenix Ray with the outline of Mandingo on the cover). If there is a God, Sophie Dee has dialogue in this film. Even if it is limited to, "Extoond yoor mimbrr wee up mee arse," it will be worth the price of admission.

As any longtime, first-time, or never-again reader of this site knows, there are many things I don't understand, however.

Why is the word Ho's apostrophized if Bros is not? And is there a need to say that the Bros are black? Does Lethal Hardcore feel they need to specify Black Bros so consumers won't think Sophie Dee is being banged by Franciscan monks?

That reminds me. Stay tuned for Gram Ponante's Cassock Goblins, featuring hot sex, vespers, and wine-making.

Kickass Pictures threw one of those crazy art shindigs downtown this past weekend. Naturally I expected to be rubbing elbows with beatniks and David Bowie and/or Iman. Instead Mary Carey applied her painted parts to a canvas and sold the result for Katrina relief. Alas, Katrina was relieved to the tune of fifty bucks.

But since the drink girls were averse to giving change, I spent 20 bucks on three shots of Jack Daniels and a Coke. Then I had a Jackson Pollock-scale meltdown and beat up some hipsters.

"Who's that outrageous person?" sniffed a George Plimptonesque art reviewer.

"Must be from the porn world," someone answered. "Their art is provocative and we fear it."

(Just so you know, 20 bucks is a tiny amount to spend on three shots of Jack in Los Angeles.)

Do you want to party like me and Joanna Angel, the woman who fixed my helicopter in the first Gulf War? If so, come on down to the Beauty Bar on Cahuenga tonight for the premiere party for Joanna's Angels. This co-production of VCA and BurningAngel.com has VCA sales staff saying things like, "This is one of the best porn movies I've ever seen." And when a salesperson says it, it's got to be true (after all, Our Lord Jesus Christ was the greatest salesman in the world).

Angel, who is as tall as a delightfully-proportioned kitchen stepladder, will be there along with party promoter Laura Jean. Laura Jean actually owns a teacup chihuahua which she carries around in a handbag, so you know there is going to be some intense action. There are different levels of time to arrive, depending on whether you're Orthodox or Reformed, so you can get more info at the site of my pal Sean Carnage from Cleveland.

In other Joanna Angel news, people within five miles of Los Angeles tuned into her interview this morning with Dicky Barrett on Indy 103.1. Indy 103, which, as a ClearChannel station, is about as far from indie as one could get, features a lot of music a certain demographic really wishes they actually liked, but it's got great disc jockeys. It has the absolute worst call-letter announcer, though, or maybe I think so because he makes people my age sound so goddamn stupid.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah. Joanna Angel. Blah blah blah. Joanna Angel.

That Tom Sizemore planned the "revelation" of a sex tape in that he filled out 2257-worthy documentation and called people like bite-sized (and now, tragically, married) Jersey Jaxin to join in (Jaxin didn't give the guy who lit up the screen in True Romance and Natural Born Killers a thumbs up, alas) a not-impromptu-at-all rendezvous at the Chateau Marmont is not sad in itself, is not a sad commentary on our society, and is not a cautionary tale told in film by a man who's now in court-ordered rehabilitation.

It's just something that happened, and pretty much no different from anything the world's reality television talent pool would do if they had the funds.

And Vivid is releasing this sex video on October 19th, just in time for Sizemore to get out of rehab and continue his interrupted rise to the top!

He was fuckin' badass in Heat, dude.

Mere milliseconds after the Porn Publicist School post (sorry to be so self-referential - it makes me uncomfortable - but I've been employed by COLT to shoot a series of solo scenes called Here's Gram in Your Eye and I'm feeling more and more narcissistic) I received my first ever press release from Vivid (to this address, anyway).

It involves The New Devil in Miss Jones, starring my old tennis partner Jenna Jameson, being commemorated, or, as Vivid says, "immortalized," in the pages of Genesis magazine. It's not Phil Collins' Genesis Magazine, so you know it's good.

The remake of this movie also stars Savanna Samson. I'm not sure if Dr. Black Dick is in the film or not. The point is that Genesis has created a special pull-out supplement devoted exclusively to this film, which Vivid tells us is an industry first. I always thought a pull-out supplement was a Catholic euphemism for birth control.

The special Genesis issue arrived at quality newsstands yesterday and The New Devil in Miss Jones will hit shelves today.

Ah, anal school days.

One might find it uncanny, but once again from Europe comes a bum-oriented title starring Barbara Summer attached to a press release featuring a director (in this case, Hot Boxxx' Jean Yves LeCastel) who demands you look at Summer's ass.

"What is more beautiful than a woman's ass?" LeCastel rhetorically asks while Barbara Summer holds her soft, smooth cheeks open in a spread that is both enticing and intoxicating. "A woman looks so pretty when she is getting her ass stuffed completely and finds herself going over the edge in pleasure for the entire world to see." Gesturing to the glorious ass of Summer he adds, "that is just beautiful don’t you agree?"

(I especially like how the PR made him sound French, and I admire the restraint shown in not equipping him with a bag of groceries with a baguette sticking out while wearing a horizontally-striped black and white shirt and a beret.)

Either directors are becoming compelled to be especially chatty about Barbara Summer's ass or, I don't know, both Hot Boxxx and Digital Sin, which released Ass Crackin' 7, are handled by the same PR firm which has embarked on a campaign to create fantasy on-the-set narratives.

Since Lurk F-rd is away, I borrowed his fictional alter-ego, Chaim Amalek, to ask the following question:

CA: What does it matter what the press release says if the ass is bangin'?

GP: I can't believe you just said "bangin'"

Anal School 1 also stars Nikki Dark, Sue, Lucy Love, Sarah James, Lara Stevens. I don't know who "Sue" is, but her dedication to her career is going to make her a household name.

I know our country is fighting a multi-front war right now, and in addition to Katrina relief and my tax cut, America's resources are stretched (or, as we like to say in the business, gaped). Still, it might be prudent to nuke Czechoslovakia for its slander against our womens' asses.

Digital Sin director Dillon, whom the press release aptly calls an "XXX-patriot" (I thought the pun was a horrible misspelling of expatriate when I first read it, making me think I should start my own publicist school, but then I read further and realized that this person hates American asses) has assembled a team of Euro-hotties in his Ass-Crackin' 7.

"Look at that ass," he whispers during a scene, pointing to the cover girl. "Look at how round it is and how fucking perfect it is. She doesn’t mind taking it up the ass either and they're all born to gape. You don't find that too much back in the States."

Wow. This guy talks like he's making an obscene phone call. Don't get me wrong; I am humble before greatness, but if I were the person sitting next to Dillon during the scene and he started telling me how fucking perfect and round the ass was, well, I'd probably ask him to let me make up my own goddamn mind. Then I'd say, "America: love it or leave it! Punk!" and then I'd be all like, "oh right, you already left it."

"I'll never get tired of watching these women," Dillon says. "I love the women in this country, they just keep taking up the butt." Is taking up the butt like taking up the accordion? Or did he mean taking it up the butt? If so, have you ever taken it up the accordion?

Ass Crackin' 7 is in stores now (American stores) and stars Barbara Summer, Melissa Black, Jasmine Rouge, and Claudia Adams.