We all remember of course that the first Paris sex tape went on to record an astounding number of sales, and almost single-handedly saved the adult Internet industry from extinction back in the day of the dot com bust.

Now, less than a decade later, when we find ourselves burdened by increasing gas prices, a weakening dollar and the real prospect of a recession, has the time come for Paris Hilton to once again ride to our rescue?

As dire as the situation is, I can't begin to take any of it seriously before I speak with the only person on earth who can help me parse fact from fiction. I call Kevin Blatt. Actually, I ICQ him.

tom (11:29 AM): I need your help. I have one of two headlines to post. 1. KB Says There Is a New Paris Hilton Sex Tape 2. KB Says There Is No New Paris Hilton Sex Tape.

KB (11:41 AM): There is no new sex tape. There is an old tape of her in a bathtub floating around that was on parisexposed.com.

tom (11:42 AM): That's all I needed to know. Thank you, sir.

So there you go, Fox News. You want the truth, you go to Mr. Truth. Anything else is just a waste of our time.

Thank you, and good night.