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Product Testing… It’s a Dirty Job....

Product Testing… It’s a Dirty Job....

November 15, 2012
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Okay, so as most of you know, I do product testing for XBIZ’s print edition of the mag that you can also read digitally here. Every month, a box of four goodies magically appears on my doorstep and I get to relive my Christmas morning memories, albeit now with more of an adult twist than when I was 6 years old. The toys are different and getting to ride the pony now has a whole new meaning.

When I get one of those plain, brown boxes with the XBIZ return address, my heart gets pumping and my fingers get fumbling in anticipation of what’s packed inside. I sometimes get various shapes and sizes of vibrators and other things to stick into the orifices in my nether regions. And if I’m extra lucky, on many occasions, I also get to stick them in other willing partners’ cavities and I don’t mean the ones that get filled by the dentist. Yes, sometimes I DO have to rely on the judgment of others to complete my journey for efficient and accurate reporting but hey, I have no problem with doing that.

But last month, I got one of the most intriguing products I have ever tried.

I’m not one much for ingestibles, the catch all phrase to describe products that, well, you ingest or at least put in your mouth to get them to work. This includes pills that will “drive her wild,” or numbing products so I can deep throat more easily (I find a clogged sinus much more difficult to deal with than a too-big dick and many of you probably know what I mean. The resulting slurping sounds are not that I wanna lay spit on your manhood, it just means I still have to freakin’ BREATHE). Ingestibles include the infamous Spanish Fly which we know goes straight to ones head thinking that it will work – yes, the placebo effect IS alive and well in the adult marketplace, thankyouverymuch.

So imagine my surprise when I received a product that I judged along with SexToy Dave at the XBIZ Retail Show in Burbank in January of this year. It was during the “3 Minute Show Off” interactive program where he and I and the packed audience were presented with new and innovative products in order to knock our socks off. Dave’s reaction was that ingestibles don’t really sell well and he didn’t think there was a big market for it and my response was equally incredulous… there’s no way this product could actually WORK.

I am happy to report: I was wrong.

The little packet of three Masque strips arrived in my box from XBIZ along with two vibrators and something else I can’t remember at the moment. I stared at the fancy, grey, wallet sized packet that to me screamed “Female Friendly” and “Don’t Worry What You Are REALLY Using It For – Just BUY IT!” and many other things that got my mind spinning.

Basically, what Masque Sexual Flavors do (and who came up with that name… I mean, I get the Masque part but Sexual Flavors? Sexual Flavors to usually means sweat, salt, sweet, lube, fingers, balls, snatch, and, well, since you HAD to ask, yes, cum), is mask the flavor of the aforementioned ejaculate in order to make oral sex more, um, welcoming and inviting by providing a mélange of the flavors of Strawberry, Mango, Chocolate and Watermelon with a strong but not overpowering hint of mint. And for many blowjob recipients, covering the flavor of rampant spermatozoa is just what they need in order to take a pop in the mouth.

So, I was then given the challenge to not only dissolve one of the Strawberry flavored Masque strips on my tongue, I had to test the product by finding a sperm donor pal to get some head in order for me to take one for the team.

But I still had to be convinced that the Masque strip would do the trick. When Dave and I were the judges on the XBIZ panel, my comment was that since it was formulated to mask the taste of something that one didn’t want to eat, I suggested you give a Masque strip to your kid in order for them to eat their broccoli. Now that I had my very own testing packet, I had to test it for its intended purpose. I had always believed cum was comprised of protein (at least that’s what Cosmo always tells me) so I thought that maybe if I let one dissolve on my tongue before ingesting a bite of white turkey breast (I DO go both ways, you know), it would mask the flavor of turkey. I slapped one on my tongue before chowing down (on LUNCH) and lo and behold! Nothing! Didn't neutralize the taste of turkey at all! I got to enjoy gobbling my turkey without missing out on one of my favorite flavors. Whew…

Now came the fun part (I guess that’s the past tense of cum, right?). Finding the right fuckbuddy to dump a load on the target – a dissolved Masque strip in the center of my long, silky tongue.

Yet I still had to do a little research. What is it about the taste of cum that people don’t like? I thought I would ask the people that actually produce the stuff… MEN. I started asking my guy friends if they’ve ever tasted their own spunk and I was quite surprised with the answers that stumbled into my ears.

From my own experience, it’s a rare dude that tastes his own juice, whether it’s after getting a load splooged on my body and licking it off or exchanged during a kiss… oh, that sounds sooo fluffy! During snowballing, when one exchanges a load back and forth through kissing and if THAT doesn’t confuse the thousands of lively sperm, I don’t know what does! (Where’s the goddamn EGG??? And what are those – TEETH???).

I asked several guy friends, straight and gay, and the responses were split kinda in the middle with the straight guys NEVER swallowing their own jizz and responding with a flat look when I said “So it’s a girl’s job, then?” They looked at me with a blank expression which I interpreted as “who’s else would it be?” They also responded with “That’s sooo GAY!” As for gay guys, nearly all of them said they had tasted their own and frequently still do as if that’s the way it is if you’re a gay man. Maybe the straight guys ARE right, then.

So I lassoed my friend Adam to be my test guinea pig (emphasis on the pig) and when I called him to tell him what I needed him to do in the name of product testing, he barked “YEEES!” faster than I could give him details. He was over to my place the next night.

“Okay, so you know why I’m doing this,” I reminded him. Note to girls: GUYS DON’T CARE. THEY’RE GOING TO BE GETTING A BLOW JOB.

I greeted him at the door in my customary fuckbuddy manner, much like you would welcome a friend coming over to play pinochle, except that we both knew what was in store. I sat down, he remained standing, then I yanked out his soon-to-be-throbbing wood and began working magic using my hands and mouth. He was up for the job of product tester in no time. A few minutes had passed and then I decided it was then to let the Masque Sexual Flavor strip do the deed in the center of my moist tongue.

I dropped the strip in the center of my stuck-out tongue and announced “O-ay. I aff it owyn ai hongue nwow zo you haf a waay a winnit” as I let it dissolve on my tongue while I played with his still stiff member.  Afterwards I thought that I probably should have put the strip on my oral appendage before I started to do the deed.

On viewing the dissolving test product on my outstretched tongue, he quickly announced “it’s melted!” faster than the Wicked Witch of the West exclaimed when she was diluted with water in the Wizard of Oz. And lucky for me, he was worked up and ready to go for the bullseye – the residue of the dissolved strip within my mouth.

“Hii-ya a-wayh” I uttered awkwardly, making sure my lips wouldn’t be in harm’s way to, well, totally blow the experiment. Sure enough, he dumped his load right on target along with the obligatory “uhhhh, uhhh” the way most guys express themselves when it’s time to become 10ccs lighter.

I stood up and let the freshly released spunk stay on my tongue longer than I usually do in order for the Masque to work its documented magic. I could feel the familiar texture on my tongue, then feel it slide into the back of my mouth the way that so many clams and oysters do for me in the summertime. Before I knew it, the experimental load found its way past my tonsils all the while I could taste NOTHING.

I looked at him incredulously… he probably thought I was in love with him or something but he knew I was really product testing so I’m sure that thought really never passed through his mind. He was shaking his head while having that “OMG – I can’t believe I shot off that much” look and I was looking at him with the “OMG – I can’t believe I had so much shot in AND I DIDN’T TASTE A THING.”

That Masque strip DID work to hide the flavor of his load, which came as utter shock and awe to me, the product tester who has tried zillions of products that “guarantee orgasm!” “heighten stimulation!” “gives you the best sex you’ve ever had!” and, well, “Masque’s the taste of cum!” At least I know one of the products isn’t lying.

Now for the always included Joke(s) of the Blog!

How do two lesbians ride down Route 69?

Lickety split

Where do they get virgin wool from?

Ugly sheep.

Saw this on a sticker: Making love is what my girlfriend calls it when I’m fucking her.

Time for bed and dreams of more product testing…. Ahhhh, I love my (blow) job.


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